Letting Go

Of the many tears shed in 2008, a lot of them were bitter. No, not the taste (!), ...the emotion. I had thought it was just deep sadness. Then someone insisted it was me being bitter. I denied and refuted and denied again... and then, after much thought, found that my friend was right.

It's funny how one can say "it's all okay" when one carries the pain and anger with us, compulsively analysing it over and over again to see what went wrong, what we could've done/not done to turn the situation around; in that process we sometimes blame others for our predicament, blame God even.

It's funny how one bad event triggers a whole slew of past unfavourable memories that may or may not be related. All the same, it feels downright depressing, like nothing's ever going right.

It's funny how sometimes it feels good to wallow, to feel the trail of tears on your cheek - just because you can; because it reminds you that you are a human being capable of feeling and expressing emotions.

But it can't be healthy, can it? It's not the way God intended it to be, is it?

I heard You speak so loudly, God, at TeenStreet. How You were grieved when I harboured ill-feelings against others, when I spoke against You, when I rejected Your promises without realizing it. You reminded me that You alone are GOD, that You alone know the deepest desires of my heart, that You alone love me as no one else has - and can. I'm sorry for forgetting, for rejecting. In Your grace and mercy, please rein me back into Your arms.

As I look back in retrospect, I know God has been there. Through my darkest moments of turmoil, as I struggled with issues of self-worth and forgiveness, He never let go of me.

I'm letting go of the bitterness, leaving it behind as I begin my journey afresh in 2009. Goodbye.

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The little things in the Circle of Trust

Okay... Sam and Eugene have written about the message of TeenStreet 2008 so I'm not going to repeat it... What I will share however are those little things; the poignant moments that are captured in my mind's eye...

KJ dropping his drumstick when we were ending the "goreng" part in our first mini-session - he flipped the left drumstick to his right hand and ended it in style!

Andy and Jamie wanting to hear more of each other's guitars on their monitors. (Awww such brotherly love!)

Andy and Jamie practising their "duet interludes" - and pulling them off perfectly every time.

Eugene introducing "For such a time as this". Melanie commending the song. Teens singing it with all their hearts by the last day.

Jamie leaning on his monitor while playing the repetitive 3-note intro for "Mighty to Save".

"Sing times three"

Andy lifting his hands in worship for "Hosanna".

The Wombat making its presence felt.

Adam ever-ready with a word of affirmation and a smile.

Tze Yang giving us that gorgeous crisp sounds on his acoustic guitar.

Andy, Jamie and Jules jumping with the vocalists and teens for the fast songs.

D-Way playing the appropriate percussions at just the right moments.

Ian pushing up the volumes at the chorus of "It is well" - amplifying Jamie's grunge sounds and ably accompanied by KJ's steady drumbeats.

Phylli doing a perfect rendition of"Hosanna".

Sam making me tear for "To the ends of the earth". (Keyboardist thinking that the keyboard is too short for the emo intro.)

Yong Yong leading the teens in declaring that they want to love Jesus forever. ("Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya... Ya Abba Bapa, ini aku anakMu...")

The guitarists advancing to the frontstage for our last song. The keyboardist abandoning her instrument to be in the same line and jump around!! *wink*

Ian being the best and most PICKY soundman ever. THAT'S why he's so good.

Ian playing gorgeous backbeats, U2 and other cool stuff during intermission.

Pari telling Ian that the language in the song was Tamil - and she loved it. ;p

Yong Yi showing a range of emotions - from jumping around, to being on his knees.

Phylli and Sam jumping onstage - and offstage during the last Throne Room.

The entire band jumping for the camera. (Yes, Ian jumped too.)

Daniel the Food Guy taking our orders - and there'd always be something short but we're a community of grace so we forgive.

Nightly discussions and advice over supper.

Phylli making the act of wiping her nose into a dance move.

Jamie and his diamonte "J" bling that Sam repaired before we left for Mantin (the same which Andy suggested auctioning off to raise funds for Myanmar).

Eugene supporting the human pyramid at the back staircase - and everyone dispersing just before Yong Yi jumped on us.

The band livening up the chat with Juwita - and providing the backbeats for KJ and Yong Yi to sing their names.

Yong Yi, Ian and Jules sneaking out to the nearby undisclosed location for a meal and great discussion; and then sneaking in an illegal meal to share with other band members.

KJ teaching Eugene how to play the swing beat on the drums. Gene played it well a few days later.

Jules driving Tze Yang's MyVi back to Subang on Friday night. Yong Yi and Jules feeling relief wash over our shoulders as we walked on the grass towards our cars.

Gene picking the orange folder from the first instance. (well duh)

Sam's CK =p

The friends we made in the band, in the service team, among the teens. The encouragement shared =)

Most of all, I will never forget the sight of teenagers jumping for joy at God's goodness; lifting their hands in praise to His name; closing their eyes and opening their hearts to the Mighty One who Saves. That alone made our 3-month practice sessions worth it. To have the teens come up to us, talk to us, and get to know us allowed us opportunities to tell them that God deserves all the glory, and that we are doing our best for Him.

Thank YOU God for allowing us this wonderful opportunity to bless the teens through the gifts YOU bestowed on us. Thank YOU God for every member in our Circle of Trust - each YOU have called by name. Thank YOU God for the love and grace we show each other; through YOU. Thank YOU God for the moving the midst of the TeenStreet participants, and for the joy and assurance we all find in YOU. Keep us by Your side, Lord...

Thank YOU for all that YOU are, and for loving us so so much that words just aren't enough to express it all. Thank YOU, God. Thank YOU.

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An Open Letter (Part II)

Hey.

I know that life's circumstances don't favour us sometimes. We may have so much, yet so little; deep down we still ache for the very thing that will make our happiness complete... it's either not there, or just out of reach.

In my 20-odd years, I have found that we may not get all our desires - and answers - on this side of heaven. We cannot control things, can never force our way through. I know it hurts. I know it hurts.

So what then? Do we sit and mope? Ache and be angry? Throw in the towel and give up? Believe me, I'm at that last stage now. It's not nice to be here.

We learn to leave every dream to Him. Every desire. Even the unspoken ones - those seen in our eyes, hanging in our tongues, surging through our veins. And each day, we seek to edify others by our lives. We seek to make them smile, in return for the smiles they imprint in our hearts.

If you have the opportunity to create memories, then create them... more and more of them so that there will be ample chance to savour each one. These may be the things that keep it alive, long after...

Hey. I understand more than you think I do. Ditto. *small smile*

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* The Open Letter series are just... that. Sometimes I am unable to tell it to their faces, for fear of offending them. At other times, I'm just not able to get the message through. My aim is for the intended recipient to know what's in my heart, without being overly 'blah' about it.

Part 1 was written for another recipient some years back, but in a fit of rage, I had it deleted. I have never forgotten its contents, but in some strange way, I feel that it did not warrant a rewrite.

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On to the TERRIBLE TWOS!

Well whaddayaknow, I missed my blog's birthday! AGAIN! *hehe*

So happy 2nd birthday blog! Thanks to you:

I have a place to give my thoughts a free rein in expression in word; at times wacky and unconventional, and at other times, serious and contemplative. Each post shows a different facet of me.

I harness both the art of speaking directly and couching underneath crafted phrases pregnant with meaning. Some prose is strangely moving - even I can't believe I could write that.

I use it once in a while to publicize friends' events and happenings: fourletterstory, joe loy and the warehouse project...

I can make money? (*heheh* Nuffnang can do with another one in the network. No boss, I'm not moonlighting.)

I try to allow people to see that in life there are different ways of looking at the same thing. The only thing that matters is whether we're viewing situations from the perspective of the Creator God and His purpose in allowing us to go through it.

... So thank you Livewire for providing me an avenue to be insane in order to preserve my sanity. My dad says that kids are at the "funnest" stage when they're 2 going on 3 (or somewhere there la) because they can play with you. I'm thinking - hmm, beyond that, they start asking A LOT OF QUESTIONS = frankly, quite irritating sometimes. Aikk, what will Livewire be in the next year? I don't know - but I hope you stick around to find out! Love to all!

Is it enough?

*SIGH*

It's tough when all the intensely-laid plans are turned awry with the flick decision of the last person. When no amount of pleading and begging would seem to shake that rock. When at the end of the day, the ultimate goal is not met - and our heads hang on the gullotine for it.

You know when a child loses a competition, adults tell the kid - "it's okay you did your best - that's all that matters."

I'm not a child anymore. Will you still tell me that same thing? It won't change the outcome, it's as if FAILURE in big capital letters do not count for anything, and at the end of the day, it's the OUTCOME that matters. When we're older we realize that some outcomes do not have momentary effects; they sometimes have long-term implications.

Maybe doing one's best is just not good enough. It still feels crappy that things didn't work out. In fact it makes you want to give up totally. Completely.

Maybe I just need a break. Wish I could take a time-unrestrained holiday. But then again it might work against me - I usually try to seek a glimmer of *something* in everyday than embark on major holidays to rejuvenate. Either way, I rarely get to totally relax.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

All about being emo...

Pianist was tasked to play an introduction to one of the songs today. The youngsters taught me the melody. The chords were plonked in. And it became what I began to call the "emo intro" that still haunts me now - about 9 hours later.

Oh boy. Have I got a problem.

To me it sounded like it would do well as the background music to that heartbreaking scene in a Korean / Japanese drama where the girl has found some awful secret and confronts the guy she loves about it - and he has no idea what to do, and is staring at her, speechless... Or that scene where the guy who still loves her just turns and walks away in the pouring rain...

Thinking too much? Dramatizing? Maybe. But hey, dramatic is my blood. (It runs alongside those black gospel tendencies that show up in my vocals.)

I didn't realize I had the capacity to be this emo until a few years back. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, really - I do find that the most tragic, hauntingly, achingly-beautiful pieces of music, lyrics or poetry are produced when one is sufficiently deep in his state of emo-ness. Such works of art are genuine, in that the musician, lyricist or poet is baring his soul, allowing you a glimpse into whatever is in his heart to torment him.

"You think too much." That's what some people used to say to me. I don't understand. Isn't it worse to think less? I mean, at least I've got some brain activity, right?

Yet... I begin to wonder if musicians do have a certain capacity to delve deeper into that part of our hearts and minds that most people do not notice or are glad to ignore. We all go through heartbreak once in a while, but it's the lyricist that describes the pain so acutely and in so many ways that you can feel your own hurt surfacing when you hear those words. We may not understand that piece of music or that poetry, but when that flurry of notes or words hit you, they hit you. HARD.

Perhaps the result of some of us going through emo stages isn't so much about giving birth to the world's best song or poem. Perhaps the real reason of the being emo is really about helping people find their true states and give a voice for them to express that which they hide inside; something they fear to articulate, or just don't know how.

Perhaps, it is just a way to remind us of our humanity; that we are real people with the capacity to feel, to think, to hurt, and to love.

Be proud, all you emo people of the world. You serve humanity.

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Dr. Jekyll's Prayer

Lord, stop the bleed
When my heart is shattered
When my skin is cut trying to pick up the pieces
Past hurts, forgotten tears, bitter memories
All come flooding back, hurting me afresh.

God, stop the bleed
When everything is so unsure, and things don't go as planned
When fingers and daggers of torment tear at my flesh
When my blood gushes out and I want to stop it
But I don't know how.

Lord, stop the bleed
When I see failure in my own eyes
When nothing is perfect and it cuts me deep.

God, stop the bleed
When I'm weak and defeated
When my spirit is low, dejected
My soul seeping out of my veins with every ragged breath.

Lord, stop the bleed
For I fear that it may not
And everything I have known, touched and loved
Becomes no more.

Proud of ya, Joe!

JOE LOY AND THE WAREHOUSE PROJECT PRESENTS THE DEBUT ALBUM

" ALL THE NATIONS "

on Saturday, October 11th 2008

VENUE: MAIN SANCTUARY, FGA KL

DOORS OPEN AT 8PM, AND REFRESHMENTS PROVIDED FROM 6.30 ONWARDS....
Will we see you there?? =)

( More info at http://www.thewarehouseproject.blogspot.com/ )

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Those of you going "Joe WHO?" will be reminded that he was the one instrumental in recording and mixing our "Faithful God" EP so well and blessed us with his incredible talent, patience and perseverence. He also made a special guest appearance at CDPC's 7th Anniversary open house this year, and sang a duet "I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever" with Patrick Leong.

We're rooting for you bro! See you Sat! With the gradually amassing hordes of fans for His glory and name's sake!

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What's in a name?

Through centuries, names are more than just nice-sounding ear-pleasing monikers for the purposes of personal identification. Discerning parents take it upon themselves to bless their children with names pregnant with meaning; indeed in hope that the child would be bestowed with the gifts and blessings "declared by" the name.

I've got friends whose names mean "well-born", "lady/princess", "His name is God", "God will uplift". My sister's name carries the promise that "God is gracious", and my boss is literally a "fighter".

"Jesus" means Saviour; He who saves.

I've come across a number of meanings for my own name; the most common being "youthful". Youth are characterized by their boundless energy, great gusto for life, and a certain degree of folly and foolhardiness.

How did Dad and mum know what a livewire I was gonna turn out to be...

Thing is, being youthful is the LAST thing I am sometimes. I get so bogged down with life; it feels like everything's just sucked out of you. Maybe that's what city life does: putting the "work hard, play hard" philosophy in practice. Or maybe it's just my principle of going ALL OUT or nothing at all in whatever I delve my hand into. The Bible IS right, you know, that youth can grow tired and weary...

But I do take comfort in His promise, that "those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength... They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40: 31)

I seek to be well-rested in His love, and fulfil the destiny of the name He gave to me. I pray that you will be secure in Him too.

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Drugged, Dragged but not Drowned

Never shot up on any drug before, but it sure feels like some parts of my life are sedated and moving in slow-mo.

Take today, for instance. When an unreasonable client began to put things in my mouth and implied that I was stupid and irresponsible, I did not rant, rave or even let out a whimper. I didn't say anything to my superior until he saw the email for himself and whistled in amazement over the audacity of it all. I then proceeded to reply the email in the nicest manner possible. I began with, "Hi, Nice to hear from you so early in the morning." And I sent it off to my superior for approval, since he's forever telling me to not be so hot-headed. With a few minor tweaks, it was sent off to the offending woman.

I was really calm. I had not shouted, as I would have in the past. I just smiled my way through. I must say it was rather exemplary, outwardly. In my head, I was thinking about how to go about extracting someone's internal organs with a blunt spoon.

Maybe I'm doing this the wrong way. But I have to be honest. She was being truly offensive, and what she said and implied was totally unfair and uncalled-for. You wouldn't blame me for writing an email that implied that she was stupid and unreasonable (I think the message got thru even with the flowery language and smileys) but these are minor things to solve and we'll move on to work together to get the best job done. Oh, have I said that she was new and I'd never met her in person but she sickens me already because she's one of THOSE types of people who insist on copying ALL their superiors in emails just to show that they're doing their work? They NEVER call because it's intangible, and every tiniest detail and complaint is via email for all to see!

Oh PUH-LEEZ. Lay off the drama already. If you're really THAT experienced a manager, you wouldn't need to stoop so low to get your recognition. I'm already a MUCH bigger person than you are, and I'm only the Senior CON.

What happened next, you ask?

1) Her own colleagues tried to extricate her from the situation she created via her own stupidity. Her boss wrote to my boss expressing concern over the flurry of emails. Another manager in another dept (also involved in the same project) wrote me to "plead" teamwork to get the job done, echoing my email - to which I told her, sure, we'll move on. I also called this other manager and told her that I meant no harm - and she understood. She also implied that this was a huge misunderstanding.

2) My boss asked for an audit trail of communications - and I thank God I've kept to the folder system so that I could see what action each person took. I gave him the entire chronology of events from 20 August to 29 September - and even from there it was plain to see that at some point, the client was not only unreasonable, but also LYING through her teeth. Gosh. The email to client is sent out to explain, and of course, to apologize for the whole mess, as well as to reiterate commitment to getting the job done. I must say I feel sorry for the client for getting such a dingbat of a manager.

I felt drugged because I was too "sedated" to react to such unreasonable and questionable characters.

My name and reputation was dragged down to the dirty ground because of one person's insecurity.

But I'm sure not drowning beneath the weight of all this. I am standing up with my head held high, because I am sure I did no wrong, and at the end of the day, my work will speak for itself.

I hold a blunt spoon in my hand.

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I have, I do

I have walked a long journey, so I can say how far I've come.

I have tasted bitterness, so I appreciate sweetness.

I have loved, so I do reminisce life's beautiful moments.

It's the moments together, however fleeting...

These, I do cherish and relish.

Chinese proverb

“Woman was taken out of man;

not out of his head to top him,

nor out of his feet to be trampled underfoot;

but out of his side to be equal to him,

under his arm to be protected,

and near his heart to be loved.”

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A Piece of Patriotism

About 2 weeks back, I'd observed that there weren't many of the usual signs that heralded the impending arrival of Malaysia's National Day on 31st August. You know what I'm talking about: the mini-Jalur Gemilangs on cars, the larger-than-life flags unfurled across skyscrapers in capital city KL, billboards congratulating Malaysia for all her achievements, sappy heartwarming Yasmin Ahmad-style Petronas ads...

Strange. It just didn't feel the same this year. Like, there was nothing to celebrate. And even the message from the obligatory Petronas ad didn't seem to shine through as clearly - I was left wondering, "huh?" (To be fair to the ad icon, perhaps it wasn't Yasmin's doing at all...)

Why is this? Is it because we had a huge bang for our 50th birthday last year and haven't come up with anything else more spectacular this time round?

OR, horror of horrors..., are we less patriotic now?

Maybe it was because all the nation's attention was on a rural area in the northern state that was to determine the re-entry of a prominent figure into the political scene. In the days leading to Aug 26, what amazed me wasn't so much that he garnered that much ground support, but the fact that the OTHER side had the WHOLE battalion camped and campaigning in that tiny town! Name them - they were there! Prime Minister and deputy, and various Ministers across portfolios. (Too bad International Trade guy couldn't join the fun; he was attending an ASEAN meeting in a city-state and was almost forgotten there, what with all the media attention over HERE...)

So... one man versus all of them? I thought it was one man versus one?

We all know what the outcome was. For all the confidence expressed at both camps, there could only be ONE winner. And win he did; convincingly at that.

Coming back to the question: Are Malaysians less patriotic?

I don't think so. In fact, I think the outcome of the Permatang Pauh by-elections demonstrated our TRUE patriotism - the love for country and fellow Malaysian; the desire to spur the progress of the country through righteous justice, economic empowerment and uncorrupt practices; the dream of seeing this country rise to heights it once attained - and perhaps, God willing, even higher.

Call me idealistic? Yes, I admit it is a tad ethereal. Dirt so deeply entrenched will take some time and lots of willpower and determination to uproot. But we have to start somewhere... the journey can't take the right course unless we point it thus. If it took 50 years for all these seeds to germinate, it may take 50 years to unearth it all, and 50 years to plant new seedlings. I realize that the pretty picture of a truly-prosperous Malaysia may not happen in the span of my lifetime.

Yet I will not waver from my stance, and do what I can to set things in motion. For I am not doing it for myself, but for the younger generation I see today - that THEY and THEIR CHILDREN will have a fair chance at competing in the local and international arenas, and be proud to be called a Malaysian.

It's not about anti-Government. It's just about being pro-Malaysia. THAT is PATRIOTISM.

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A Time to Grow

I'd never once imagined that the book of Esther would be so relevant in the social and political aspects in a modern world. Perhaps it was because the Sunday School version portrayed Esther's story as some sort of a Biblical fairytale - where things get rough, but in the nick of time, everything ends happy ever after.

Only now when I delve into the beautifully-crafted story do I realize that there is so much more to uncover...

... Esther epitomizes a gentle yet strong woman, who won favour of those around her by her humility and gentleness, apart from her beauty. In the course of the book, her naivete was replaced by a growing maturity - demonstrated in the careful execution of her plans, patiently laying each piece of the puzzle in place. There was no hurry; just taking it step by step; waiting on the Lord for wisdom and patience.

... God truly works in the background, and His timing is impeccably perfect. It is no coincidence that God granted Esther and Mordecai favour of the king at every opportune time, that the plans of 'vile Haman' were 11 months delayed, and that the king overruled the evil decree exactly one year after it was first dispatched. It was just God at work. Amazing.

It is comforting to know that God is working in the background even if we cannot quite see Him. At the same time it can be downright exasperating when the way forward isn't as clear as we'd like it to be... but then again that's probably because we're too impatient to wait upon Him. (I know that's my problem.)

My Lord knows my heart. Help me to see You at work in my life.

When fears arise, this world distracts, whisper aloud,
Set my heart aflame, grant me the faith, be with me always...

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Bob Dylan - Times Are A Changin'

Come gather 'round people

Wherever you roam

And admit that the waters

Around you have grown

And accept it that soon

You'll be drenched to the bone.

If your time to you

Is worth savin'

Then you better start swimmin'

Or you'll sink like a stone

For the times they are a-changin'.

Come writers and critics

Who prophesize with your pen

And keep your eyes wide

The chance won't come again

And don't speak too soon

For the wheel's still in spin

And there's no tellin' who

That it's namin'.

For the loser now

Will be later to win

For the times they are a-changin'.

Come senators, congressmen

Please heed the call

Don't stand in the doorway

Don't block up the hall

For he that gets hurt

Will be he who has stalled

There's a battle outside

And it is ragin'.

It'll soon shake your windows

And rattle your walls

For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers

Throughout the land

And don't criticize

What you can't understand

Your sons and your daughters

Are beyond your command

Your old road is

Rapidly agin'.

Please get out of the new one

If you can't lend your hand

For the times they are a-changin'.

The line it is drawn

The curse it is cast

The slow one now

Will later be fast

As the present now

Will later be past

The order is

Rapidly fadin'.

And the first one now

Will later be last

For the times they are a-changin'

Harrowing! Exhausting! Absolutely exhilarating!

The words describe the past 2 weeks for me...

One of the weeks saw me facing a seemingly-unending crisis in office from Monday to Wednesday... It tested the limits of my patience and stress... It consumed so much energy from my being that it felt like a whole week had past; and indeed when I woke up on Thursday, my first thought was: "Oh! It's Saturday!"

... I know God sustained me.

Another weekend saw me being on piano at church, and playing with the young people just brings me so much joy. They're blessed with so much talent, and have so much potential to grow further!

That Sunday a big bunch of us went to the Passion Conference Kuala Lumpur - where Chris Tomlin and Charlie Hall led us in AWESOME worship... Am so privileged to see Chris sing "Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)" LIVE... and have him introduce the powerful "God of this city".... Louie Giglio brought us God's word so clearly, based on Isaiah 26:8 - the verse that Passion is based on. And from their blog ( http://www.268generation.com/blog ) it's quite clear that they are proclaiming GOD in every city they go...

... Indeed, God is the hope for a world that desperately needs Him. And He's working amongst the youths IN EVERY CITY for His purpose.

This past weekend was one of the fullest I'd gone through in some time... Cell group brought a bunch of 10 kids to the zoo as part of our reach out to the poorer community... Each kid is special in His sight, and we sought to show His love to them that day...

... Thereafter I headed to Sarah's place for a power nap and then to church for worship practice and Saturday service... And after that I had a band audition that kept me in church till 10.30pm - but again, being with the young people invigorated me! And the months of our playing together showed in the tight band we had. More so, the laughter and smiles that shone through belied a deeper sense of belonging within.

... It is God who has sustained and kept me; God who has blessed me with so much, that I gotta give it away. Thank YOU.

Wow Words

A painter paints his pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence.
~ Leopold Stokowski

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Not good enough

For anything
For anyone

Don't feel belonged
Don't feel whole
Don't feel fulfilled
Too-high expectations
Too-fake smiles
Too-weird character
Too unpredictable
Too scary
Too mean
Too emotional
Too irrational
Too immature

can't break free from the glass
can't stay in this lie
one's as bad as the other
come liberate me

Too much
Too hard on me
slowly crumbling
Too proud to let you see
There's just too much in me
let me sink into nothingness
let me be

I fear what it takes to set me free
I fear how much it will take from me
Perfect love, it conquers fear
One day I will love myself enough
To do what it takes
To be finally set free
Finally

The threat of Overexpecting

What is the true value of a person?
As indicated by the integrity of his word; that if spoken, it will be so.

Through the years of dealing with people, I've learnt various traits of myself. One of it is that I don't like being disappointed, made to feel cheated or let down. When that happens, I find myself delusioned, unable to move on, and sometimes, unable to trust. It eats into me, gnaws into my heart, shakes the very foundation of my being. More often than not, it usually leads me to walk away and remove myself from the source of that hurt.

I have found that oftentimes it is better for me to not be enticed by remuneration or reward, but to find joy in everything I put my hand into, and be pleased with the end result. In this way, whatever acclaim received is an additional joy, and I then truly appreciate the little and big rewards following it.

One might say I'm doing it wrong; that the right way is to begin with the end in mind.

I am. The end I'm looking for is end-user satisfaction and overall good; not so much for personal recognition and acclaim.

I fear the day that I discover I've thought too highly of myself, and overexpected a reward. That's just not me. I'm not made that way. I don't want to think I deserve anything. It's just my way of making sure my ego is not inflated. Let me be. Don't let me overexpect; I don't like walking away.

Laze Day

Running running running around. Sleep deficiency is the order of the day. Weekday, weekend, who cares; demands on time are still there. Short term memory getting from bad to worse! Can't recall names as easily as I could before. Relying on my organizer more. No PDA, please, tak kuasa nak update. Just a little tightening on the head screws should do it! (Just.)

At the end of the day, you know what's best of all? I'D HAVE IT NO OTHER WAY. I actually LOVE buzzing around and having an agenda to follow through.

Which explains why having a WHOLE DAY to myself is so weird.

No work scheduled, no worship practice, no agenda except to get to church at 5.30pm for cell-group duty for Saturday service. Might as well sit in, so that means tomorrow morning is ANOTHER day to myself, and then there's MONDAY public holiday too!

What am I going to do with myself?

1) Blog? - But then it's been quite uneventful so far, and I love my work too much to bitch about it.

2) Read? - Now that's an idea. Better start reading more and buying more books to MAX OUT my RM1,000 tax relief when I fill in next year's forms.

3) Catch-up? - Maybe... but only for a select few. Have dated my housemate for dinner tomorrow to celebrate her birthday last month. (She was going veggie-only then, and that's over...) ... Am also thinking of getting an old movie kaki out again... it's been too long... (on more fronts than one).

4) Be with sister? Oh, but her Penang-based boyfriend is in town this weekend... Okay, that's driver duty for me... hehehe... but I love her to bits.

5) Finish my songs! - Hey! THAT'S a good one! There's a half-written song and then a stray tune recorded somewhere in my phone... Gotta read more of the Alkitab so that my Malay phrases are more accurate and the words flow better...

... I must say it's nice to have a real balance in my days... Space to look into .. space (!) and take a breather and not yell/be yelled at. Life's been a bit lopsided for months now, but I genuinely, honestly, must absolutely state that I have placed every bit of my energy into life and I LOVE IT that way =)

Yippee~!!

A "2-in-1" day

That date used to hold so much significance for me. I've recalled the occasion everyday for 9 years, always sending a greeting via sms, or making that once-a-year phonecall. There's always that same cheery camaraderie that welcomes me on the other end; a hearty "how have you been", "are you still working too hard" and "have you found him yet" type of questions. I'd prefer to believe that he is just being polite, more than being concerned about me, and it suits me fine. I'd rather have that than hold a 'never be able to talk to you' stance, and it's nice to be able to pick up the friendship where you left off. I fault him not at all. It was mutual. And we were young, too young. But oh, the benchmarks...

On that same date, from this year onwards, and from miles and miles across the ocean, there will be another occasion to celebrate. This would mark the point of no return, and I'm genuinely happy at the way things have worked themselves out. I could not ask for more, and I pray for them to be the support for each other as God intended them to be. I'll be able to tell them that in person about a month from now. I'm honoured to be a part of their celebration, despite the short stint we shared.

This means that that date will hold double significance for me. Well, not so much for me, because it is of no personal consequence... but some things will stick to my mind as a stubborn reminder of the things I've gone through in my life, the beautiful people I've met, and how grateful I am to have had the pleasure of their company in different phases of my journey. I've been blessed by their love and friendship, and though they may not know it, they have influenced my life in more ways than they thought they did.

It's all good. I'm happy. =)

One day, two events, one name. Life is just so weird that way.

i can't

Can't take the pressure
Can't take the unfair accusations
Can't take this portion of life handed to me
Not happy with so many things
Not fulfilled with that I have
Not satisfied in most things I do

When will this end
Will it be too late
The ultimate end will be a welcome change

I'd rather that there be peace
That there would be true joy
Not outer enthusiasm that rises and fades

Can't take this
Can't take this
Take me now.

I remember it like it was yesterday...

Letting go of someone I love dearly has never been easy for me. Even if it was for the briefest time, the memory lingers on. I just realized that one of my most precious crystal-clear memories actually took place 2 years ago. Till now I recall every word - written and spoken, every trip we made, the big milestones we achieved, and the little details in every exciting encounter.

We're no longer together, but we remain friends. I have set him free to find himself and to love another, and I'm glad for him that he has found her.

Why then, do I still recall this friendship, short though it may have been? Why, even though wrought with its own bumps, do I add this journey to the list of "things I'll never regret for the rest of my life"?

Perhaps it was because he treated me with respect. His acceptance of who I was, and support for who I wanted to be, truly liberated me. The same was true vice versa.

We could be ourselves with each other: utterly nutty, extremely wacky, going very very loony. And when no other eyes were watching, we gradually opened up our hearts, shared our lives, bore each other's struggles, respected each other's vulnerability, upheld the privacy... knowing that each trusted the other fully. I was beside him when he encountered personal crisis. And a year later, he stood with me when I encountered it too.

Then again it could be because we entrusted God with our relationship from the very beginning. We knew it was a hazy future, and we couldn't quite make out what we wanted. So we prayed that no matter what happened, we would let Him direct our paths, and asked that we would make each moment count. That prayer is answered today.

With each fond memory, I thank the Lord for the chance to make a difference in his life, and for him to make a difference in mine. *smiles warmly*

Thank you, you.

Apa daya...

Apa dayaku jika ada antara mereka yang sememangnya tidak mahu berubah... Apa dayaku jika mereka tetap menyampahkan nama aku...

Apa dayaku jika mereka tidak mengenali bahawa apa yang aku lakukan adalah untuk kebaikan mereka semata-mata...

Kekadang perbuatanku supaya mereka berfikir lebih matang lagi,
Lebih meluas lagi, lebih mendalam lagi.

Begitu terkilan rasanya di hati
Apabila niat yang murni
Dipersalahkan
Tidak terhirau
Disalahsangkakan sama sekali.

Sanggupkah aku teruskan perjalananku?
Mampukah jiwaku terus menerima hakitat
Bagaikan pukulan bertalu-talu?

Demi namaMu akan ku memikul beban ini
Demi namaMu akan ku cuba menyayangi, mencintai
Demi namaMu yang Maha Esa sahaja, Ya Tuhan.

Eavesdropping and shocking revelations

A: ... Die, she's lookin' at my work.
B: Hahah... have fun! I'll help you here to answer her impromptu questions.
A: Argh, that irritating woman. Hey C, where do you wanna have lunch?
C: Dunno lah. Eh, the tigress can let you go or not?

Reading all this, my heart sank. You see, these were online chats between my colleagues. And the "irritating woman" and "tigress" they talked about were references to me.

Kill me for eavesdropping into their conversations. No, it's not a habit. Still, I never know why I follow my curious intuitions sometimes - I end up with new information that I don't know how to manage.

I'll be lying if I say I'm not a wee bit upset. It takes a heart of steel to ignore this. Mine is no heart of steel; past situations have more-than-adequately testified to that.

Work, to me, is all about giving your best. I am upfront about my expectations from the juniors, and I'm rather vocal when they perform below the line. It's nothing personal, just work-related. I've lost count of the number of times I've asked them to read (to improve their English), check the online dictionary for spelling, read (for more ideas to introduce in their writing), check for reliable sources, read (for greater exposure to differing styles and formats).

I've invested a lot of time just editing their work in the 9-to-6 timeframe (OT is a big no-no), so much so that my own work gets pushed back, and I stay up till early morning to complete it. Plus, my policy is to be in the office early (better still if it's before the boss) so that I settle down faster to start the day. 5-, 6-hour rests are all I get on a normal weekday.

I've swallowed my frustrations on countless ocassions, as I try very hard not to lash out at them. I have a very real fear that all my inward-focused anger will cause an internal implosion (as opposed to an outward verbal explosion). Still, I have to do my job as the senior. I must be loving: patient, kind.

My expectations of them are nothing less than the expectations I have of myself. I demand flawless English (being the daughter of an English teacher), appropriate presentation style suited for the ocassion, new ideas, and on-time delivery - just to meet and exceed clients' demands.

For all that and more, I deserve more credit than being the irritating woman and tigress.

I'll be lying if I say I'm not a wee bit upset. It takes a heart of steel to ignore this. Mine is no heart of steel; this situation more-than-adequately testifies to that.

Oh the foolish thoughts of man!

Paraphrasing the words of my friend, the Lightning:

Give a man some fame, he thinks he is the most charasmatic person.
Give a man some fortune, he thinks he owns the world.
Give a man some power, he may think he rules over us all.
Sigh.

Watching a person turn corrupt and power-hungry before your very eyes is quite a horrible thing to see. From being content to be the back-end supporter, the person in question had suddenly become an attention-lusting freak - much like how an insanely-jealous girlfriend/boyfriend seeks to hog the limelight all the time, without a thought for the partner's feelings and needs. I feel quite sick to the stomach.

I hope that I shall never be like that one day. I'm quite happy being the way I am - exerting influence in my current position - and though I'm not exactly jostling for power, I hope that when I do progress, I shall never allow that power to corrupt me and make me think that I'm better than others, so much so that I crush others. For we are called to lead, guide, and build lives, never to destroy those under our care.

Coming back to the illustration earlier, I can't help but think of Psalm 8:4:
"What is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?"

p.s.: Boss, if you're reading this, please take me to task if and when the time comes.

Today, Malaysia finds her voice

I shall not regard myself a fount of information where politics is concerned. But I know the basic tenets of truth, justice and freedom should prevail.

"What is the case for the Opposition? It is nothing but sentiment fanned into flame." The underlying message was, "Why rock the boat? It has served us well thus far. This wave is nothing but hot air."

This sentiment, as you call it, is grounded on facts. No smoke without fire. And we figure that whatever fires that threatened to erupt were doused by an irresponsible, hand-tied media to keep others safely in the cocoon. Thank God for the revolution of the Internet, youtube, and the fearless, even-keeled international media that broadcasted the messages louder, clearer, further. Ironically, the media OUTSIDE Malaysia gave us our voice, faster than ours did - on television anyway.

Perhaps it has to do with my dealings in the corporate world, where clients have faced hurdle after hurdle for legitimate dealings, only because of some ingrained corrupt practices, or unjust and indiscriminate policies. I'm all for giving people what they deserve, if only we'd all WORK for it. I'm all for giving a lifeline to the poor and marginalized.

Perhaps it has to do with the lack of transparency, where the citizens are treated like sheep - only allowed to hear one side of the story, and then being told that that is the truth. For far too long we have heard blatant lies for absurd situations, and I'm thankful to know I'm not the only one who is brave to state that HELLO, we have BRAINS, and we'll USE IT TO THINK to form our own opinions, thank you very much.

Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I'm still driving a Proton - the very symbol of our nation's dismal failure, and the effect of the AP-system that makes it the only affordable vehicle around. I can't wait for the economy to turn around, and then afford good engineering.

I could go on, but I think I'd better not. Suffice to say that the true citizens of this bleeding country have cried out, and Malaysia's voice is now heard the local and international arenas.

It is just the beginning, however. I urge you to uphold our leaders in prayer... Pray that this nation will not be caught up in petty issues, but get down to creating a safer, informed, competitive and truly progressive nation.

The time for change has come. Your will be done, Father God. Amen.

fourletterstory

Haven't asked him yet on the rationale behind this name. Could very well be random! But then again, it's been some time since we last met; and much has changed.

Though from the same hometown, we only clicked in college, when we passed each other by and went, "Wait a minute, I know that face..." Then the next 2+ years were of cafeteria dinners, CF meetings, sidewalk chats, band-wannabe-ing in the music room (Pink Panther! Sweet Child of Mine!), singing in the middle of the field (and that irritating frisbee), even a doomed-to-fail "group study" before exams... (Oh I wish Alice could see this and reminisce...)

You were always the joker, Joel. And you've not lost that streak. Finding emo and fourletterstory SO reeks of you la.

But we grew up huh. GREAT. Okay okay. Seriously, great :) It's about time. And I look forward not just to your EP, but also to see how much more we can grow in Him and bless His people with that which He has entrusted to us. I'm sure you'll do fine. Bit emo, maybe, but hey, there's only one way to live life.

FULLY.

And if that includes some emo episodes, SO BE IT. I dare say it makes us better musicians.

See you soon, maybe! Til then! Stay you!

What we learnt from Moulin Rouge

Suddenly I recalled the online chat with my best friend from high school. It must have taken place about... 6, maybe 7 years ago (or more, even).

Frogz: So what movies have you watched lately?
Jules: Moulin Rouge!! Have you seen it yet? You absolutely have to!!
Frogz: Yeah... seen that... Nicole Kidman is so hot!! Shorty, you gotta do the makeup thing la...
Jules: Hahaha.... yeah right, watch me start....NOT!!
Frogz: What is the moral of the story, in your opinion?
Jules: Ummm... that true love ultimately prevails.
Frogz: Wanna know what my take-away was?
Jules: What?
Frogz: Even courtesans find love.

-- That's right. Even courtesans find love.

Come what may.

Livewire's First Poll!

Hello folks!

Now for some interactivity! The idea sprung into mind last night - and so I'll ask you, dear readers - what is your favourite Livewire post of 2007? Take part in the poll on the right-column, and yes, you are allowed multiple votes... The ones listed are some of the more notable ones, and if you've others, do let me know which ones in the comment section yeah?

The poll is only valid for 15 days from now! So let me know!

Oh yes, this poll only "regular-type" posts, and not poems/prose/verse... that'll probably be the next poll subject... if there are enough entries, that is...

Love,
Jules

Begging, Bargaining, Pleading

... for an ounce of faith, the size of a mustard seed, so that I will believe in Your promises made available through Your word.

... for You to intervene, according to Your nature: God of mercy, God of grace, God of love. The Jehovah Jireh - provider of immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine. The Jehovah Rapha - the God who heals. The Jehovah Shamma - the manifest God, present with us to the very end of age.

... for You to be my strength; to be the One I cling on to when my faith threatens to be badly shaken... for You to guide me by Your word, Your spirit, Your people.

... for my eyes to see beyond the current circumstances and wait on You for that miracle of deliverance only You can bring... for my voice to learn to ever praise You, in the good times and bad, even if I'm choking up inside. Help me dear Lord, help me to live to please You.

2007: Personal Development

Whoever who came up with the term "growing pains" is a genius. I find no other phrase so concise to typify what 2007 was like for me.

I learned about thresholds: discovering how much I could cope with, and knowing when I should give up. I learned what was bottom-line important to me in friendships and relationships. I learned to appreciate those who were my true friends, and who loved me enough to tell me what I was doing right and where I was going wrong.

I had one of my dreams come true when I was sent to the Hillsong Conference in Sydney. It was one of Australia's coldest winters but it didn't dampen my heart for a second. Even now, when the "blow-wind-blow" chilly wind no longer bites my cheeks, my heart is filled with gratitude for this opportunity. Singing along with Steven Curtis Chapman was a joy, watching Brooke Fraser for the first time was inspiring, and seeing 20,000 people lifting up their hands and praising God as one voice was truly truly truly something to remember for the rest of my life.

I learned about blessing people, and about praising God for the little and big things in my life; the dewdrops and the rainbows. I learned about participating in His wonderful works of art; creating music that would enable others to see Him a little bit clearer in their lives. I learned about perfection, and how, in many ways, I was not. And I learned, from the Master Forgiver, how to extend grace.

Turning a quarter of a century old certainly had some effect on making me reflect how much I'd achieved; not just in my 25 years, but more specifically in my 5 years in the working world. Did I have much to show? What did I want to show, anyhow? Material gain? You know me better than that.

Growing pains indeed. My Lord saw every tear I shed when I was upset, hurt, misunderstood. He heard my every word; pained, harsh, whispered in silent anguish. But it was all good. I grew up. I well and truly grew up. May I never forget these lessons.

You who stood by me every day of last year, I thank you. You who stopped to sit beside me and gather my tears, my deepest gratitude. I will always cherish all we've shared.

Jesus, please walk with me into 2008, that I may do as You will, walk as You lead, and love as You would love. Thank You for all that You are to me.

The Liberated Woman Speaks

From now on I will live my life to the fullest,
Laugh my heartiest,
Choose to love whoever I choose.

Such A High Calling, Lord

Why does Your commandment have a responsibility to You and to others?
Why is loving others so difficult?
Why should I extend forgiveness 49 times? Okay Lord, I understand, You mean it to be more than that. But I've a problem with forgiving the same person even 10 times.
A high calling, Lord... Such a high calling.

How could You ignore it, Lord, when people kicked and spat at You?
How could You remain silent amidst the jeers?
How could You die for a people who didn't love You back?
A high calling, Lord... Such a high calling.

Why can't I be like You Lord?

How can I take things calmly when others are mean to me without reason?

Why can't I just learn to forgive and forget? Oh I almost forgot. I am woman, after all.
Still, a high calling, Lord... Such a high calling.

I need You Lord. I need You to pull me up to fulfil the high calling.

Happy new year, Julia. May the rest of the 364 days in 2008 be happier than this.