Letting Go

Of the many tears shed in 2008, a lot of them were bitter. No, not the taste (!), ...the emotion. I had thought it was just deep sadness. Then someone insisted it was me being bitter. I denied and refuted and denied again... and then, after much thought, found that my friend was right.

It's funny how one can say "it's all okay" when one carries the pain and anger with us, compulsively analysing it over and over again to see what went wrong, what we could've done/not done to turn the situation around; in that process we sometimes blame others for our predicament, blame God even.

It's funny how one bad event triggers a whole slew of past unfavourable memories that may or may not be related. All the same, it feels downright depressing, like nothing's ever going right.

It's funny how sometimes it feels good to wallow, to feel the trail of tears on your cheek - just because you can; because it reminds you that you are a human being capable of feeling and expressing emotions.

But it can't be healthy, can it? It's not the way God intended it to be, is it?

I heard You speak so loudly, God, at TeenStreet. How You were grieved when I harboured ill-feelings against others, when I spoke against You, when I rejected Your promises without realizing it. You reminded me that You alone are GOD, that You alone know the deepest desires of my heart, that You alone love me as no one else has - and can. I'm sorry for forgetting, for rejecting. In Your grace and mercy, please rein me back into Your arms.

As I look back in retrospect, I know God has been there. Through my darkest moments of turmoil, as I struggled with issues of self-worth and forgiveness, He never let go of me.

I'm letting go of the bitterness, leaving it behind as I begin my journey afresh in 2009. Goodbye.

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