Hope of the World

Little baby, You're a gift from up above

Come to save me, symbol of the Father's love

I'm grateful Lord

Star was shining, bright for everyone to see

Jesus light of all the world had come to be

Our Saviour, Friend

Then the angel host appeared, bringing tidings and good cheer

For Father God began His perfect plan

Lord You came down to earth

Bringing hope of new birth

I bow down and worship You alone

And for all of my days

I will sing of Your wonderful, matchless, redeeming grace

Jesus hope of the world, for me

I didn't know You, yet You called me by name

Since that day Lord, my life has never been the same

My heart resounds

Through the darkness, I look up to see Your face

Outstretched arms Lord, I will run to Your embrace

Secure in You

Every tear I shed, He sees,

I will know no other peace,

And evermore proclaim His grace and mercy

Everything I possess is from You

You came to meet my deepest need

There's no other love like the love of my Jesus

All glory and praise to Thee!

p.s.: Thanks Phylli and WeeLee for taking this and making it available. Thank You God, for the first Christmas, the inspiration.

In all finality

Abandon:

1. To leave completely and finally, to utterly desert.
2. To give up entirely, or withdraw from.
3. A complete surrender to natural impulses without restraint or moderation; freedom from inhibition or conventionality.

Notice how the word "abandon" seems to be so extreme in its meaning... "completely... utterly... entirely... without restraint or moderation..." ... a FULL word. No wonder one feels so empty, devoid, unthinking, unfeeling...

Where did the year go?

Gee. It's December. Already. I. Can't. Believe. It.

Too. Fast. I. Can't. Catch. Up. *thud*

Okay okay I know it's a bit melodramatic but hey, when was the last time I wasn't? And it IS true, I do feel like the year has just whizzed by and my soul, the real me, is trying to keep up with it.

I'm still in the reflective mode on the 2007 thus far and haven't quite gotten a theme for it, but keywords floating around are "tumultous", "discovery", "ovewhelmed", "new beginnings". There were some aspects in my life that I let go of, others renewed. In some ways it even involved the redefinition of thresholds and capabilities.

I know I'm talking in code... we'll see if my thoughts clear up. Back to the time of reflection...

HAPPY (BELATED) BIRTHDAY LIVEWIRE-ME!!!!!!

Been so busy that I forgot that my blog's a year old! Well, dear readers, you've seen various facets of me - the crazy-wacky, depressed-moody, calm-tranquil me. You've heard my rants, my joys, my first song. It's been a great ride, but hey! On to life!

What would I do with all the money in the world?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I care not if I owned all the riches in the world
I care not if it meant that I could travel round the globe
Above OR under the ground

Means much more to me to deposit a worthy investment into another life
To love and not hurt
To enjoy that comfortable bond
Anywhere, anytime we were

Means so much more to me to make everyday count
A little more than it did yesterday
Rather than strive for long vacations in some foreign land
Wondering, struggling, hopelessly lost and confused

Means so much more to me to treasure the gems each day brings
A smile, a hug
A poem and a song
A dream, a prayer
Anything that shows me you care
And anything to show you I care too

Oh I couldn't and wouldn't do with all the money in the world
I only couldn't and wouldn't do without you.

p.s.: For those who make my everydays bright, and everything seem right.

Doodling Rainbows

Upon a stark white canvas
The imagination whirled
What could possibly depict my perfect world?
Without quite thinking the white screen suddenly had
A splash of violet, an indigo streak
Blue as azure as the shoes on baby's feet
Stunning green, bright sunny yellow
With whom the orange dash made cheerful bedfellows
Finally the magnificent crimson red...
Oh my goodness, a rainbow in its place.


Under its gorgeous colours we have all once stood
Admiring, reaching to touch it if we could
And sometimes someone comes along, and with a quiet sigh,
Places a bit of that rainbow into our hearts to abide.

May your days be merry! May your face be bright!
May your radiant smiles never shut out the light!
May you have pretty rainbows in your heart and days!
May the love of family and friends guide you always...

Artsy-Fartsy Eclectic Me!

Hey all,

What a week! What two weeks, rather! Good food and performing arts and phew!

... Last week was like a food festival for me... Germany's favourite delicacy - the crispy pork knuckle (complete with potatoes and sour cabbage and I regret not pairing it up with German beer)... then the next day I was treated to a home-cooked dinner by two of my best girlfriends Veron and Phylli at their home... followed by a surprise birthday do with 2 extra cohorts and a LOVELY Tigger soft toy to match!! I feel so loved... And then on Wednesday, housemate Savi and I opted for Korean food in Section 14 - which was an experience for her and a really great choice for me... AND on Friday the cellobots spoilt me with choc mousse cake...

Horror of horrors! The week wasn't over! That weekend saw my family having dinner by the beach... and the NZ steak I had was "mmmm...SCRUMPTIOUS!!" Fortunately I declined Dad's offer for a cake... enough is quite enough...

Still, no wonder my jeans feel a bit tighter....

This week's highlights? Watching "Chicago The Musical" on opening night! Although we were seated slightly further than we liked, the great music and agile acting more than made up for it... I can't imagine myself dancing and and running across the stage AND still manage to hit the demanding high notes of the soundtrack... Gee those actresses must have been REALLY REALLY fit - that, or they had reliable backup singers to sing for them while they were doing the onstage antics?? Dunno la... Anyway it seemed like the place to be... bumped into a few people... some I didn't expect to see... the whole of KL thronged to that place that day...

Savi's friend said to me: "I can just imagine people taking pictures of the stage and putting it up on their blog to prove they were here!" I laughed with her...

Um. Hehe.

I love my life.

What caught my eye

KL Tower against the backdrop of eye-catching cloud formations. God's a great sculptor. Taken en route to work. Yes, traffic was slow-moving.

The adorable little girl on the right is one of the most sociable tykes I've seen - in fact she wanted to follow me home!!! The younger daughter of the PD church pastor (captured on the far right in the background).

I can tell Daddy's had more time on his hands. He's started planting flowers again, this time in our backyard (it was always in the frontyard in the past, but now that's for the cars). The Sunday I was back, we had 13 blooms; lovely hibiscus in various colours. He also has the "keng hwa" plant, where the rather-large white-petalled flower blooms only at night and gives off a fragrant smell. Wish I could be home to see that again.

I'll never forget the day I received these for the first time, some years back. Something about the vivid colours just makes me smile, even in mid-stride in bustling Sydney, Australia. Thank you for the memories.

Twillight Zone. No, it's the view of KLIA terminal as we were on the SkyTrain, hurtling speedily towards the international terminal. Sometimes I wish I could take a train to escape into someplace surreal; after all, in some parts of life we feel as if we're living in unreality.

Tell me about it

"I feel sorry for the person who can't get genuinely excited about his work. Not only will he never be satisfied, but he will never achieve anything worthwhile." (Walter Chrysler)

p.s. - If you're thinking "Walter who?", he's the Chrysler in DaimlerChrysler.

One Breath

It all starts with one breath
That ushers you into this world
To enter into all the possibilities
The endless opportunities….

It all starts with one breath
Just before you step into the world unknown
Not knowing what the future has in store
But hoping that it’s better than what was before…

It all starts with one breath
That we decide to love
To take another in our arms
To promise to keep them safe from harm

It all starts with one breath
To begin it all anew
To move on in this journey of life
To forgive those that hurt you

Just as it starts with one breath
One day we’ll reach the journey’s end
And on that mountain we’ll stand
Will we stand tall and say
“We’ve run a good race, and lived a life of grace”…?

Take one breath
Live your life to bless

‘Cause it all starts with one breath
Before you step into the world unknown
Not knowing what the future has in store
But hoping that it’s better than what was before…

Juwita and Friends

Caught the all-awesome Juwita Suwito LIVE at Alexis Ampang over the weekend. Words aren't enough to describe this vocal powerhouse who mesmerised me for those 2 hours. This little lady had spunk, pizzazz, showmanship, the works.

Above all, she had soul. The black gospel type that makes you gape when she did trills and vocal somersaults in a manner so effortless it seemed almost illegal that anyone was allowed to make it look that easy.

Watching her belt contemporary hits the way only Juwita can... now that was really somethin' to remember. She added life to Avril Lavigne's "When You're Gone"; did a surprisingly-cute rendition of Rihanna's "Umbrella"; gave it her all for Alicia Keys' "If It Ain't You." Then there were old favourites: "Put Your Record On" ... "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"... A gorgeous medley of Kris Dayanti's "Menghitung Hari" and another Malay song... And of course, her own songs too: "Walking Again" and "Only In The Dark..." (Good stuff, and I'm not being biased.)

More than once I had goosebumps of the good kind; more than once I turned to my girlfriend, stunned speechless. I had read about Juwita's flawless technique, emo-ness and stage presence. Seeing it for myself... made me wanna pinch myself, you know?

Felt almost bad for not paying cover charge for a performance this great / fantastic / phennnnnomenal / all of the above. (There was no cover, not that I sneaked in; thank you very much.)

... The best part? She was so down to earth. No kidding. Greeted her after the show was done and jogged her memory and hey before you know it she joined us for chamomile tea with her mum and we were laughing and chatting all the way to our cars. Now I know why all her pix have her grinning impishly!!! But truly, it was really really awesome (I'm runnin' outta words here) to see her live. Believe me I'll probably be watching out for her next gig and telling you guys and gals about it!

.... Oh oh OH - the other best part? I was there with a friend so dear that she should qualify as my relative by now. Thanks, Phylls. Here's to more great times!! *hugs!!*

PAIN

"Women have a higher threshold for pain," so I was told today.

"It's only because God knew how beastly men could be," I thought bitterly.

Even though a thought half-deranged, I suspect that there is some grain of truth in this.

PAIN is when I'm told to edit some work that is badly done.
PAIN is when I'm also told to be kind, and as a result I cannot lose my temper.
PAIN is when I'm mistaken for an unkind person when all I seek to do is set the record straight and move on.

There are some things I cannot stand.

1) STUPIDITY. --- Sometimes also called the 'illogical' mind. Instructions are given for a reason: to be followed. And if they aren't, you better have a good - no, a better - reason to convince me why it should be done the other way. I welcome new ideas, but only if they are better than the last one. Else, buzz off, and toe the line.

And oh, I hate nagging. So if I have said something once, I don't wish to repeat myself; not once, and certainly not up to 5 times.

2) LACK OF INITIATIVE. --- Nothing falls from the sky onto your lap. You have to work it out. Try, at least! If I cannot trust you to be resourceful and look for the info you need, I cannot trust you to do anything at all. If you are not interested to drive your own way, I'm not going to help you. It's too much work, and it's not worth it.

3) HAVING NO OPINION. --- I cannot imagine how people can go through life without making their own decisions, or having their own thoughts and opinions about things. Heck, I've come across some people who are totally IGNORANT of the issues that affect them. I have no respect for persons as such. I mean, I'd rather be with people with opposite views than no views at all! Fight it out, if we must, but at least there is some brain activity going on; you know what I mean?

... think I better stop here before I draw blood. Suffice to say that sometimes, blur-and-unresourceful beings get in my way, and hamper my own progress. I might be accused of being unreasonable, unhelpful, and impatient - and perhaps that is true to an extent, but only if I'm faced in a helpless situation, with limitations imposed on me.

It is true. Women have a higher threshold for pain.

No prizes for who could be inflicting it.

(so-called) Progress of a nation

Two incidents that jarred my week:

1) The needless assault and killing of an innocent 8-year-old when she ventured out alone to the nearby 'pasar malam' to buy her favourite hair clips;

2) An attempted road-robbery (and goodness knows what else) of a cell member's sister in broad daylight en route to a posh expatriate area on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

************************************************************************************

Didn't we just celebrate our nation's 50th birthday recently? Weren't we hailing the past 50 years as GLORY DAYS that have led us to the proud advancement of our nation?

Do these incidents sound like PROGRESS to you?

They reek of the ultimate depths of DEPRAVITY of the human race. Specifically, those of OUR country; some of whom have been referred to as our "brothers and sisters." I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure I want to share the kinship.

Like many Malaysians, I cannot help but shake my head in bewilderment at well-publicized atrocities. Only after the horrifying death of a little girl did the other two similar cases come up. (Yes, there were others before this...)

... And yet, in the crevices of my mind, I wonder at the factors that led to this sorry state of affairs. I wonder what prompted the assailants to do what they did.

Breakdown of family units? Unacceptance by their social circles?
Past sexual abuse? Indulgence into unwholesome activities?
Lack of economic equality? (Invisible lines do run between "castes" within a race.)
Ineffectiveness of the law? Unseen hands manipulating our judiciary system - and seen hands that continue to uphold them?

The irrelevance of religion, and the lack of recognition and/or reverence for an Almighty God?

Sometimes, incidents in the past say as much of our future. I'll do anything to ensure that we don't read / hear about / witness these horrific things again in the next 50 years.

All I have need of...

I'm calm. And it feels good to be so.

For all the emotional whirlwind and turmoil I've been through, tonight I am relatively calm and content. Amidst the warm glow my bedside lamp (which I got during a spontaneous shopping trip with two dear girlfriends - another memory to cherish), I am just basking in life.

True, I may not have it all - stunning looks, better car, significant other, money, ...and more money.

But what I do have, I cherish with all my heart; I'm thankful to God for showering me with His blessings... A supportive family to keep me grounded in the roots of their love... Great friends who walk (wade?) through life with me and help me unravel the problems I face... An exciting job that I love, and a great boss [=)] who has given me chance after chance to develop and hone my capabilities... A wonderful church that seeks to inspire, impact and influence others with the gospel of Christ.

Of COURSE things could be better. I'm rarely happy with anything. For long, anyway. (Sorry lah, perfectionist.)

But tonight I'm grateful for that and those that I do have; the lovely aspects of my life. Time alone, personal achievements, opportunities to bless and touch lives.

Thank You, Lord, for reminding me to be still in Your presence, and know that You are God. Thank You, Lord, for all that You are.

"All I have need of His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me..."

Love me, hate me

And I'm speaking for myself.

I love the artsy side of me because I am then caught up in its waves of inspiration and enabled to produce verse and lyric of deep and meaningful emotions. I hate the artsy side of me because it plunges me deep into the depths of confusion and nothingness that I am helpless in getting out of. No real reason. Just feels that way.

The artsy side of me has surfaced again, and it has managed to confound me utterly and completely. I can't focus, I can't think straight, I reek of the eccentricity they love to label us musicians. I've managed to tip my internal balance and upset those around me, and I hate myself for doing that.

I feel as if my emotions are detached from my rationale mind. My brain says there's no rationale for this and it's time to snap out of it. My heart is silent, feeling the tinge of unexplained ache, wallowing in the deep ends of the murky seas.

It's feels much easier to be unfeeling, numb, devoid of any emotion. Wish I could. But what would I be giving up then?

Grow Up, Move On...

... This past weekend, amidst my relaxing chill-out sessions, I got into thinking about my future.

Really, REALLY thinking.

I guess there's nothing like a good dose of reality to hit you, so much so that it jolts your very being. And now I realize I gotta lay down some ground rules and lay the foundation right for the years ahead.

You see, I've been working in KL for 5 years, and I've had my fair share of fun. There are things I've not regretted being a part of, seen, and experienced. Even the things that were unfavourable taught me a lesson or two about myself, the people around me, or the society at large. And I've moved so many times - from my grandma's in Puchong to dad's rented place in Serdang then to the apartment in Ampang and now in PJ - and I'm not surprised if people can't keep track of me!!

... So this weekend I thought about what I want to do, at least for the next 5 years. Do I want to live my life slightly differently? (I am already, but it could always be improved.) Do I want to be slave to my circumstances, or get in the driver's seat to dictate how my life should be? Do I want to pursue the full breadth of my dreams: at work, in church, and more?

... The more I think about it, the more I know I owe it to myself to give me a fair chance of living a great life. And that means making very concrete decisions that will potentially and definitely alter my lifestyle dramatically for the better from now on.

For me, it has never been about status, or accumulation of wealth. I just want to live a peaceful life, and be able to make the best of the talents God has blessed me with, that I may bless the others around me.

Someone told me this week that I probably have what it takes to be successful in whatever I put my hand into, due to my nature. I guess I've been so bogged by the details (of everything right and wrong going on) that I forgot to take a step back to look at the big picture that is my life, and figure where I was going...

I am resolved to take that which is entrusted to me to build a solid foundation, and use them in one way or another to bless the people I come into contact with. I have plans, and in His time, I pray that He will bring them to pass according to His will.

... In 5 years' time, when it has been 10 years since I ventured into the "adult" working world, I hope I would be able to say that I have grown up, and moved on into God's beautiful agenda for my life. God willing. =)

Space, Solitude, Strength

I am a lover and respecter of space.

I demand space when the whirlwind that is city life prevents me from hearing my thoughts. I yearn for time alone when I need a break from all the stresses I face. And sometimes my whole being yells for breathable air when it feels choked, stifled, broken...

Uncle Soo Inn speaks of physical distance as 'very helpful for the journey of individuation.'* I concur. Being away from everyone has a way of making a person look inward and thoroughly examine one's principles, which would probably lead to better decisions. (Well, at least, to make decisions based on one's convictions - not a bad thing, is it?)

I imagine, that those who see me as a "greet-everybody bounce-off-the-walls" person may not be able to comprehend, that I am also not afraid to be alone, quiet, by myself. To me, such a time is precious... not labelled as loneliness, but solitude.

Free to think, free to write, free to express.

At home, during my solitude, I will sit at the piano, not knowing what I am going to play. Sometimes I take a few quiet moments... I will play only when I want to. And when I do, it usually is a mournful tune. I know not what the next chord and note will be, but when I play it, it feels right. Oftentime it will lead me to a wild crescendo, as if fully seizing the opportunity to convey the breadth and depth of whatever I'm feeling inside... Too soon, the song ends, and I catch my breath...

... When I have my space, I have my precious moments of solitude... and from those moments of solitude, I draw from within a deep sense of strength, to help me withstand life and move on.

*Grace at Work, "Sons and Fathers", Feb 2007.

drops on gerbera

it is painful to gaze on a hurting beloved
more piercing to feel the cold in your own heart
beneath the icy chill there seems to be no glimmer of warmth

they who think they deserve it receive no sympathy
they who do nothing to deserve it treasure it more

outward always the beautiful petals
only the one close enough sees
beneath the opening flower there's a steady stalk

and then the drops betray
the true self it tries to portray
such is the irony

but when the morning comes the drops vanish
leaving only the beautiful flower
to survive yet another day

p.s.: If you think you know... you don't. These cryptic verse is here to confuse and confound. Nevertheless, only one...

Let me FLY!

I have and will continue to throw off everything that hinders me from reaching my aspirations.

I have and will continue to demand my way as long as it makes sense and in the absence of other alternatives.

I have and will continue to weather the storms ahead, if I so believe that my actions and decisions are correct and beneficial for most parties involved, including mine. And temporary hurt is ALWAYS worth long-term justice where situations are put right.

I will always be the independent and headstrong young woman I was cut out to be. It fits me. Do not expect me to whimper. Even if I do, it'll be for a mere second, after which I will get up and run.

Do not attempt to place me in a corner with nowhere to run. I will bite.

I am not so much angry. I just wish to state my principles for the record. I am sick of stereotypes and dispassionates. I am sick of people trying to fit me in a box and label me. In fact, it amuses me when people try to do that; and watch them fail miserably.

I'm ECCENTRIC, and I will NEVER change. Deal with it.

The Measure of Success

"You seem to have a knack for finding all these small-small companies."..."Why do you work so hard? Get a life."..."Are you still driving the same car? Hmmm..."..."Still single? How can???"

Why is it that the measure of success invariably means either one or all of the following:
- Securing a job in a large corporation and being able to knock off early
- Driving a better (preferably import branded) car
- Getting hitched at a reasonable age

Have you noticed by now how TANGIBLE these aspects are? That these are the OUTWARD signs of supposed success, to show-off to other people how well we're doing in life? This is our equivalent of peer pressure (with the word "peer" used loosely) in this materialistic world. PEER PRESSURE!!! AT OUR AGE!!!!!!!

What happened to success being measured in intangible yet (more) meaningful ways?

...Like being appreciated by your superior in your company (large OR small, regardless), and being referred to as the right-hand man/woman, the dependable soldier.

...Like being complimented by your clients for jobs well done; tasks we worked on late into the night to scrutinize and perfect every word.

... Like being recognized for projects that set (and raise) the benchmark in the industry.

... Like being able to touch the lives of friends and loved ones because you took to the time and effort to be with them, be it with your own car (even proton gets you places) or public transport (!)

... Like being independent, diving into opportunities, being proactive in making things happen and choosing the life we want to live...

These are the things that last, and mean more to me than showing off to others of so-called success. These are my measurements on whether I am doing well or otherwise.

Will driving a better car, getting a proper 9-5 job, and being married now make me happy? I highly doubt it. If I can't be happy in my present circumstances, it is unlikely that these things will make me so. Because I believe it's not the outward things that matter. It's how comfortable I am in my own skin that gives me confidence.

These are my principles. I shall not apologize.

Fare thee well, my friend

Pulling away from your driveway, a strange feeling came over me
Past memories, happy moments
Came ahaunting

And as I drove on I remembered
The various milestones we've gone through
We've come a long way, kiddo... it's true...

In a blink of an eye, we'll bid "adieu"
And our lives will be changed forever
Still I will remember, where we had started
And I pray that God will guide you through and through...

For in my heart of hearts I know
God above has our days in His hand
Every person we've met along this journey
Is all in His perfect plan
And in His love you will remain
As you find joy in His grace
Every day of your life, may you find peace in His sight,
Fare thee well my friend, God bless,
Fare thee well...

Signs that I'm still impacted by Hillsong Conference 2007

My speech is peppered with words like, "amazing," "fantastic" and "phennnomenal!" (words typed as they're spoken).

I still sing the songs we learnt there. Poring over every carefully-crafted word.

I can't believe I saw Steven Curtis Chapman sing live.

I find myself missing the chilly weather.

I think of the awesome "window of opportunity", about "being the armour-bearer", about being "comfortably uncomfortable" and about the wonderful message of grace.

... It has brought me to a whole 'nother level. *wink*

PMS

I hate it when I get crabby for no apparent reason, and I take things too personally. I hate it when it causes my words to come faster outta my mouth than through my brain. I hate it that everything that can irritate me WILL irritate me.

PMS = Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, is the season when hormonal changes in a woman's body affect her moods. In some seasons it gets me flying into rages of raging fury; at other times it brings me great bouts of depression I cannot get out of. In both types, I am seemingly uncontrollable. Logic doesn't register. There's no telling what I can do and say. Heck, sometimes my brain asks, "Why are you doing this?" when the words are darting rapidly out of my mouth. Talk about confusion of self-image.

As a result, I am a hazard to others, and a hazard to myself. I am the peace-disrupter, killjoy to the highest degree.

Asking around, no one can give me remedy for it; nothing I can eat or drink to curb the effects of PMS. The only thing I can do is to be more aware of it. And try to take things as calmly as I possibly can, mustering the best piece of logic I can squeeze out.

People, I'm sorry if I have said or done things that have inadvertently hurt you during these seasons. I'm trying, I really am, to be a better person. Please bear with me.

The Lesson in Failure

It is quite unlike me to say that "I cannot do this." In my roles at work and other responsibilities, I thrive in being the positive go-getter. I do not like failing; it makes me seem incompetent.

So when I give up, it is not without some measure of discomfort, not unaccompanied by a equal (if not greater) degree of disappointment in myself. I've said it before, FAIL is my four-letter F word; it disturbs me greatly. I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else. Whether it is my fault or otherwise, it's still the same... I find myself thinking that there must have been something I could have said or done to prevent the failure...

Yet I also know that when I concede defeat, I realize afresh that I cannot control everything, and that not everything hinges on what I can do or otherwise.

Sometimes the failure could also be for the better... Maybe I've taken on too much and didn't know when to say no. Maybe what was asked of me was way beyond my capability, what I could give, what I was willing to give.

Maybe failure is God's way of gently reminding me, "Look to Me, child, did you lean on Me? Will you?"

Anointed

... Among the things we brought back from Hillsong Conference 2007 were the new songs penned by their team. Today we shared with cdpc 3 of them.

And I realised afresh, that those songs are really God-anointed, God-inspired; for they allowed God's people to worship Him in a fresh new way.

Everytime I hear or sing "Hosanna", I feel a deep sense of longing from deep within; an ache I can't explain; is it a yearning to truly praise God for all He is? And the bridge brings one to really cry out before the Lord...

"Heal my heart and make it clean,

Open up my eyes to the things unseen,

Show me how to love like You have loved me...

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,

Everything I am for the Kingdom's cause,

As I walk from here into eternity...."

... This is my desire: that the things I do in His name and for His glory - be it in writing songs, in singing, or playing music - will be approved, anointed by Him, and serve His purpose: to point His people in the direction of the one and only living God.

What are you going to do about it?

I was posed this question today.

I don't want to do. I just want to BE.

I want to be quiet and not talk to anyone, to hear my own voice, have my own opinions, be true to me and not be a mere mouthpiece. It is a luxury for me to sit down, stare into space and think wherever my thoughts lead me; to dream. I miss that. Everything now demands my all, my full attention, my subsequent action and reaction.

I want to be happy, and do the things I want to do, not only the things I'm told or called to do.

I want to be free, from the obligations imposed on me, from the watching, prying eyes of judgmental, critical people, from the constant pressure of performing to meet and exceed the expectations of those around me. Within the inner turmoil, I long for peace.

I'm tired. Tired of constantly doing, relentlessly pursuing, keeping it going.

Leave me alone. Let me rest.

Let me be.

So, besides the big W....

I'm known for my workaholic tendencies. I derive much pleasure from getting work done, and indeed, I like what I do for living... perhaps too much! (*hehe*) ... Yeah, most people think I'm crazy - but I'm not too perturbed.

What sometimes gets me slightly riled up is when people think I don't have a life. NOT TRUE.

I have other non-work related interests; most of all in music - watching a live jazz performance, or listening to it in my car or at home... serving in the worship team... Great fun, that. And oh, may I just add here that my preferences are not limited to jazz... I listen to EVERY GENRE, except reggae and "AhBeng" techno. And yes, that means you can include dance music in list of stuff Jules likes... (didn't know that leh... there you go, a streak of the party person you never knew existed...)

Then there are movies! Gee, I think I haven't missed a good movie for quite some time now!

... Other interests? Developing and deepening bonds of friendship with those who walk this journey of life with me. In the past 3 months, I'd pretty much neglected this aspect, yet some of you came to me in my time of need and supported me unwaveringly. From the bottom of my heart, thank you... and I really want to make a conscious effort to make time for you... every one of you... *group hug!!* ... Perhaps over a live jazz performance? Aiya, good ol' mamak will do. Anywhere's cosy with great company.

What I wanna do more of? Read. Fiction. Non-fiction. Write. Freely. Because I can.
Think about my life. My goals. The action plans.

Speaking of which, I think it's detrimental for one to not dream. That's why i know I must find time for myself... spent in quiet, spent thinking about my future, what I want to accomplish, and how I'm going to... Sigh. Hope I make time for me.

I survived

Just that. I survived. The 3 months of intense stress, incessant calls, frantic chasing, sleepless nights, fatigued body, weary soul........ I survived.

More later. For now, I'm going home.

Not today

If there should be a day that I run away and hide

Should the storms threaten to make me cower in fear

Today is not the day

Today sees me not shedding a tear

For I am strong of heart, like in mind,

Of sharpened character over time

Today you will not see me whimper, cry, beg or whine

Proud I am to stand tall, though all around me crumbles

Steady my heartbeat, my fists, my feet

To the ground I can not, will not stumble

Today I promise you, as long as there is sunlight

I will not back down and run away

I will stand up and FIGHT.

It's not easy to be me

For one thing, I am woman. That means I am prone to mood swings, which are heightened during PMS, when my words go through my mouth faster than through my brain. It also means I have a bitchy side to me... I believe all women have the capacity to be so; it's just whether we choose to harness it or otherwise.

And then there's the musician part of me. The one that is influenced by my wider emotional range... For me, the line blurs as to which influences whom... Do I play the way I do because I'm emotional naturally, or am I emotional because I'm so in touch with it on a regular basis through my music?

Temperamental. Eccentric. Quirky.
Musical. Wacky. Nuts (and proud to be).
Emotional. Trying not to be. Can't afford to be.

Do you think I like me this way? Not quite. Not at all, in fact. If you think you're disappointed in me, think about how disappointed I am with myself.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so aware of my failings. "FAIL" is my four-letter F-word. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born the way I was. It's just not easy to be me.

"I may be disturbed... I'm not crazy, or anything."

Bring It On!

I am entering my busiest season for the year at work, and despite the enormous loads ahead, I'm relishing the prospect of workin' my heart out and doin' my best... Which probably explains why Steven Curtis Chapman's words simply jump out at me...

I didn’t come lookin’ for trouble

And I don’t want to fight needlessly

But I’m not gonna hide in a bubble

If trouble comes for me

I can feel my heart beating faster

I can tell something’s coming down

But if it’s gonna make me grow stronger then…

Bring it on

Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow

Bring it on

Let the trouble come, let the hard rain fall, let it make me strong

Bring it on

Now, maybe you’re thinkin’ I’m crazy

And maybe I need to explain some things

‘Cause I know I’ve got an enemy waiting

Who wants to bring me pain

But what he never seems to remember

What he means for evil God works for good

So I will not retreat or surrender

Now, I don’t want to sound like some hero

‘Cause it’s God alone that my hope is in

But I’m not gonna run from the very things

That would drive me closer to Him

So bring it on

Bring it on

Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow

Bring it on

Let the trouble come, let it make me fall on the One who’s strong

Bring it on

Let the lightning flash, let the thunder roll, let the storm winds blow

Bring it on

Let me be made weak so I’ll know the strength of the One who’s strong

Bring it on

Bring it on

He who entrusts me with the tasks He has placed onto my shoulders will also be the One who carries me through. This I believe with my whole heart. Lord, Your will be done.

Pace, and brace

Their lives, from the 7th year till the day of battle, were centred around one purpose: being a Spartan warrior. From this they never wavered, never compromised, never quivered. Each day was spent pacing themselves, being readied for the day when they would go to battle.

Pace, and brace.

Outnumbered they were, but not hopeless. Implementing the right strategy was the first rule, and they stuck to it. Even when the Persians were right upon them, they doggedly stuck to the gameplan; courageous, as one unit. Each man protected the other with his shield, there was to be not a chink in the impenetratable collective armour.

Pace, and brace.

"Hold your ground!!" the general urged. So they did. While the Persians tripped on one another, the Spartans stood, their feet firmly on the ground, holding up steadfast against the thronging army.

Pace, and brace.

"PUSH!!!" the Spartan leader shouted. With one mighty "Whoosh!" they pushed in unison, literally lifting Persian army off their feet. The Spartan army - mighty Spartans, brave Spartans - set upon them easily; claiming victory after victory.

Pace, and brace.

The 300 Spartans taught me a good lesson. And the lesson was that fighting well wasn't about fighting all the time, not about giving your all every minute you're on the battlefield. One needs to adequately prepare oneself, then set the pace, and thereafter brace for the challenge.

Mighty Spartans, brave Spartans. Thank you.

Death, anyone?

Have you ever been so angry that you can't see straight? And created desktop pix just to say 2 words you wish you could say to their faces:

I guess it's just as well that I've never learnt to curse, because if I have.............

i blog... why ah?

Okay, since I got tagged, I'll play along and conjure 5 reasons why I (finally) started this blog:

1) Because some people have been waitin' to be entertained by reading my wacky, thoughts!

2) ... Only to find that Livewire is my avenue to express, through written word, not only the "happy-crazy", but also the "contemplative-deep thinking" sides of me...

3) To allow those near me to know how I view and feel about things around me, circumstances I go through...

4) ... And those far from me to get a glimpse of how I'm getting on.

5) Perhaps it is also a way for me to see how I've grown - hopefully more mature - in my thoughts and principles... and for me to not lose my creative streak this way.

Hope you guys have enjoyed reading about the Livewire as much as I have enjoyed keeping the spark alive. If my words have touched you in any way, that is, to me, a mission accomplished. *smile*

Confusion

My coffee cup needs therapy.

Who me? Who you?

Our cell group ice-breaker last night was a "Chicken Soup for The Soul" kind. We each had a piece of paper with our names written on it, and passed the papers around where we wrote or drew something that describes the person.

It was interesting that "bubbly" appeared on quite a few people's names. No wonder we have so much fun - we're walking champagne bottles!! Or Sparkling Ribenas!!!

"Dedicated" and "responsible" were other popular entries, along with "generous / giving" (even "feeds me").... then there were "warm", "sweet" "loving", "gentle" attributes. Yeah, we have a caring community right here. *smiles* Slightly weirder entries included "filial", and "perfectionist"...

I think after we passed the papers around, we all had this warm-all-over feeling, like someone just covered you in a cozy blanket. Some of us were a tad surprised at how we were described, like we weren't sure whether it was a good thing or bad; but as a whole, it was positive affirmation of who we were, a bit more insight on how people viewed us.

After everybody had read out their descriptions, there was this short discussion about death (!!!).... Someone mused: "Won't it be nice to have all this read out at my funeral???" and amidst the laughter that ensued, I think there was a tiny thought in our heads that whispered, "Yeah."

... We all have our imperfections, and painfully aware of our inadequacies at times. It is not very often that we are affirmed for we are, and remembered for the little and big things that have positively impacted other people. It's true what William Arthur Ward said, "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it away."

Thank you, cafe@subang, for the gift of your friendship. **GROUP HUG!!!!**

Not one day

Have you ever wished you could undo some things in your life? Like, perhaps, not said a few things, not embarked on a journey, not beheld some gruesome scenes, including the slicing of your own heart?

Sometimes we think that we're all the better for NOT going through certain experiences; that life would be better if we could only smile all the time and eliminate the hurts. Sometimes we figure, "If only I could've peeked into the future and predicted this pain, so I wouldn't have started it in the first place, no matter how beautiful it seems now."

Oh how flawed this thinking is. (Oh no, speaka like Yoda I am. But continue writing I will.)

Had I not gone through a tremendously stressful stint under my previous employer, I would not have learnt how to manage multiple clients - a skill put to good use in my present employment. I would not be able to fully appreciate the value of commitment, teamwork and visionary management, the way I do today.

Had I not made a few mistakes in my relationships, I would not be attentive to the little and large issues that could crop up at a later stage and potentially cause us to stumble. I would not believe that setting him free to love another is sometimes the truest evidence of affection, of wanting nothing but the best for him. *smiles*

Had I not left my family and tasted a sliver of this city life, I would not fully appreciate the joy, security and comfort that is home... Taking pleasure in the simple things, like mum's home-cooked food, dad's easy banter, Jan's infectious laughter; like running my fingers on my piano; like reading and falling asleep on the couch - just because I could.

... The Bible tells us God saw all our days before He allowed one of them to come to pass. It also says that He works for our good in all things. Therefore, He allowed EVERYTHING to happen to us, that we may live and learn.

It's a hard lesson, Lord, but okay. You love us and You see us through the seasons, so it's okay.

If I could relive 2006, I wouldn't change a thing. Not one day.

It's a musician thing

This weekend I had the privilege of watching a bunch of the most totally-gifted jazz musicians in town.

No, I'm not a raving fan who dishes out compliments freely...(my closest friends will divulge that I've got high standards, and I don't flatter)... But honestly, seeing these people do their stuff in Bangkok Jazz was like... whoa. Legendary. I kid you not.

What struck me most about the gig, though, was more than the wonderfully-complicated jazz notes throughout the night, or the high level of skill these musicians had. The thing that truly amazed me was the pure intimacy these musicians shared... with their instruments, and with each other.

There was something about the way they stood on stage; eyes closed, faces looking upward, feet tapping, bodies swaying to the rhythm... It was as if they were connected, somehow, to the instruments they were playing. In that instant, you knew that they were lost in their music, that they derived much pleasure in creating the beautiful sounds coaxed from their instruments... and that there was no other place they wanted to be at that time.

Then there was band dynamics. The gig was a reunion of sorts, having come together after many years. And the strong bonds of friendship were evident. They were smilin' a lot, chuckling when certain missteps were inadvertently produced, and having mutual respect for each other's talent, particularly during the superbly-fantastic drool-worthy solos. They had fun. And we had fun watching them have fun.

I came away, moved from what I had seen. The intimacy and closeness they shared was almost palpable. That night, I saw the clear beauty of a person's creative expression, and the sheer power of music in uniting people.

Watching them onstage made me miss that feeling. Of losing myself in the music, of playing what I feel (not as I ought), expressing through my music what words cannot fully articulate. It's an amazing experience, one where I sometimes am subdued to awed silence, and feel an immense state of satisfaction.

It's a musician thing. Oh yeah.

What's it REALLY about?

It's not about how soft my hands are, but how they can render help, give a soothing touch.

Not about how big my eyes are, but whether they choose to see the needs of others.

Not about the size of my feet, but if they are swift enough to be beside those who need someone to be with them.

Not about the chubbiness of my arms, but whether they are willing to give a hug to one who needs it.

It's not about how pouty my lips can be, but whether they choose to speak words of encouragement, share words of comfort, and evermore proclaim the wonderful works of my Master.

I distinctly remember that at 10 years old, I told God that I'd rather have inner beauty than to be physically pretty. I'm not sure why I was so convicted then (!) ... but I certainly do know that I still hold fast to that belief now. Outer beauty is fleeting, but inner beauty radiates, and shows the true value, the most beautiful character, of a person.

As we enter the new year, I hope that I'll use all I have and all I am to touch the lives of others, bring a smile to their faces, and a glow to their hearts. And I pray that God's name may be glorified. That's what it's all about.