For anything
For anyone
Don't feel belonged
Don't feel whole
Don't feel fulfilled
Too-high expectations
Too-fake smiles
Too-weird character
Too unpredictable
Too scary
Too mean
Too emotional
Too irrational
Too immature
can't break free from the glass
can't stay in this lie
one's as bad as the other
come liberate me
Too much
Too hard on me
slowly crumbling
Too proud to let you see
There's just too much in me
let me sink into nothingness
let me be
I fear what it takes to set me free
I fear how much it will take from me
Perfect love, it conquers fear
One day I will love myself enough
To do what it takes
To be finally set free
Finally
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
The threat of Overexpecting
What is the true value of a person?
As indicated by the integrity of his word; that if spoken, it will be so.
Through the years of dealing with people, I've learnt various traits of myself. One of it is that I don't like being disappointed, made to feel cheated or let down. When that happens, I find myself delusioned, unable to move on, and sometimes, unable to trust. It eats into me, gnaws into my heart, shakes the very foundation of my being. More often than not, it usually leads me to walk away and remove myself from the source of that hurt.
I have found that oftentimes it is better for me to not be enticed by remuneration or reward, but to find joy in everything I put my hand into, and be pleased with the end result. In this way, whatever acclaim received is an additional joy, and I then truly appreciate the little and big rewards following it.
One might say I'm doing it wrong; that the right way is to begin with the end in mind.
I am. The end I'm looking for is end-user satisfaction and overall good; not so much for personal recognition and acclaim.
I fear the day that I discover I've thought too highly of myself, and overexpected a reward. That's just not me. I'm not made that way. I don't want to think I deserve anything. It's just my way of making sure my ego is not inflated. Let me be. Don't let me overexpect; I don't like walking away.
As indicated by the integrity of his word; that if spoken, it will be so.
Through the years of dealing with people, I've learnt various traits of myself. One of it is that I don't like being disappointed, made to feel cheated or let down. When that happens, I find myself delusioned, unable to move on, and sometimes, unable to trust. It eats into me, gnaws into my heart, shakes the very foundation of my being. More often than not, it usually leads me to walk away and remove myself from the source of that hurt.
I have found that oftentimes it is better for me to not be enticed by remuneration or reward, but to find joy in everything I put my hand into, and be pleased with the end result. In this way, whatever acclaim received is an additional joy, and I then truly appreciate the little and big rewards following it.
One might say I'm doing it wrong; that the right way is to begin with the end in mind.
I am. The end I'm looking for is end-user satisfaction and overall good; not so much for personal recognition and acclaim.
I fear the day that I discover I've thought too highly of myself, and overexpected a reward. That's just not me. I'm not made that way. I don't want to think I deserve anything. It's just my way of making sure my ego is not inflated. Let me be. Don't let me overexpect; I don't like walking away.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Laze Day
Running running running around. Sleep deficiency is the order of the day. Weekday, weekend, who cares; demands on time are still there. Short term memory getting from bad to worse! Can't recall names as easily as I could before. Relying on my organizer more. No PDA, please, tak kuasa nak update. Just a little tightening on the head screws should do it! (Just.)
At the end of the day, you know what's best of all? I'D HAVE IT NO OTHER WAY. I actually LOVE buzzing around and having an agenda to follow through.
Which explains why having a WHOLE DAY to myself is so weird.
No work scheduled, no worship practice, no agenda except to get to church at 5.30pm for cell-group duty for Saturday service. Might as well sit in, so that means tomorrow morning is ANOTHER day to myself, and then there's MONDAY public holiday too!
What am I going to do with myself?
1) Blog? - But then it's been quite uneventful so far, and I love my work too much to bitch about it.
2) Read? - Now that's an idea. Better start reading more and buying more books to MAX OUT my RM1,000 tax relief when I fill in next year's forms.
3) Catch-up? - Maybe... but only for a select few. Have dated my housemate for dinner tomorrow to celebrate her birthday last month. (She was going veggie-only then, and that's over...) ... Am also thinking of getting an old movie kaki out again... it's been too long... (on more fronts than one).
4) Be with sister? Oh, but her Penang-based boyfriend is in town this weekend... Okay, that's driver duty for me... hehehe... but I love her to bits.
5) Finish my songs! - Hey! THAT'S a good one! There's a half-written song and then a stray tune recorded somewhere in my phone... Gotta read more of the Alkitab so that my Malay phrases are more accurate and the words flow better...
... I must say it's nice to have a real balance in my days... Space to look into .. space (!) and take a breather and not yell/be yelled at. Life's been a bit lopsided for months now, but I genuinely, honestly, must absolutely state that I have placed every bit of my energy into life and I LOVE IT that way =)
Yippee~!!
At the end of the day, you know what's best of all? I'D HAVE IT NO OTHER WAY. I actually LOVE buzzing around and having an agenda to follow through.
Which explains why having a WHOLE DAY to myself is so weird.
No work scheduled, no worship practice, no agenda except to get to church at 5.30pm for cell-group duty for Saturday service. Might as well sit in, so that means tomorrow morning is ANOTHER day to myself, and then there's MONDAY public holiday too!
What am I going to do with myself?
1) Blog? - But then it's been quite uneventful so far, and I love my work too much to bitch about it.
2) Read? - Now that's an idea. Better start reading more and buying more books to MAX OUT my RM1,000 tax relief when I fill in next year's forms.
3) Catch-up? - Maybe... but only for a select few. Have dated my housemate for dinner tomorrow to celebrate her birthday last month. (She was going veggie-only then, and that's over...) ... Am also thinking of getting an old movie kaki out again... it's been too long... (on more fronts than one).
4) Be with sister? Oh, but her Penang-based boyfriend is in town this weekend... Okay, that's driver duty for me... hehehe... but I love her to bits.
5) Finish my songs! - Hey! THAT'S a good one! There's a half-written song and then a stray tune recorded somewhere in my phone... Gotta read more of the Alkitab so that my Malay phrases are more accurate and the words flow better...
... I must say it's nice to have a real balance in my days... Space to look into .. space (!) and take a breather and not yell/be yelled at. Life's been a bit lopsided for months now, but I genuinely, honestly, must absolutely state that I have placed every bit of my energy into life and I LOVE IT that way =)
Yippee~!!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
A "2-in-1" day
That date used to hold so much significance for me. I've recalled the occasion everyday for 9 years, always sending a greeting via sms, or making that once-a-year phonecall. There's always that same cheery camaraderie that welcomes me on the other end; a hearty "how have you been", "are you still working too hard" and "have you found him yet" type of questions. I'd prefer to believe that he is just being polite, more than being concerned about me, and it suits me fine. I'd rather have that than hold a 'never be able to talk to you' stance, and it's nice to be able to pick up the friendship where you left off. I fault him not at all. It was mutual. And we were young, too young. But oh, the benchmarks...
On that same date, from this year onwards, and from miles and miles across the ocean, there will be another occasion to celebrate. This would mark the point of no return, and I'm genuinely happy at the way things have worked themselves out. I could not ask for more, and I pray for them to be the support for each other as God intended them to be. I'll be able to tell them that in person about a month from now. I'm honoured to be a part of their celebration, despite the short stint we shared.
This means that that date will hold double significance for me. Well, not so much for me, because it is of no personal consequence... but some things will stick to my mind as a stubborn reminder of the things I've gone through in my life, the beautiful people I've met, and how grateful I am to have had the pleasure of their company in different phases of my journey. I've been blessed by their love and friendship, and though they may not know it, they have influenced my life in more ways than they thought they did.
It's all good. I'm happy. =)
One day, two events, one name. Life is just so weird that way.
On that same date, from this year onwards, and from miles and miles across the ocean, there will be another occasion to celebrate. This would mark the point of no return, and I'm genuinely happy at the way things have worked themselves out. I could not ask for more, and I pray for them to be the support for each other as God intended them to be. I'll be able to tell them that in person about a month from now. I'm honoured to be a part of their celebration, despite the short stint we shared.
This means that that date will hold double significance for me. Well, not so much for me, because it is of no personal consequence... but some things will stick to my mind as a stubborn reminder of the things I've gone through in my life, the beautiful people I've met, and how grateful I am to have had the pleasure of their company in different phases of my journey. I've been blessed by their love and friendship, and though they may not know it, they have influenced my life in more ways than they thought they did.
It's all good. I'm happy. =)
One day, two events, one name. Life is just so weird that way.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
i can't
Can't take the pressure
Can't take the unfair accusations
Can't take this portion of life handed to me
Not happy with so many things
Not fulfilled with that I have
Not satisfied in most things I do
When will this end
Will it be too late
The ultimate end will be a welcome change
I'd rather that there be peace
That there would be true joy
Not outer enthusiasm that rises and fades
Can't take this
Can't take this
Take me now.
Can't take the unfair accusations
Can't take this portion of life handed to me
Not happy with so many things
Not fulfilled with that I have
Not satisfied in most things I do
When will this end
Will it be too late
The ultimate end will be a welcome change
I'd rather that there be peace
That there would be true joy
Not outer enthusiasm that rises and fades
Can't take this
Can't take this
Take me now.
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