The Lesson in Failure

It is quite unlike me to say that "I cannot do this." In my roles at work and other responsibilities, I thrive in being the positive go-getter. I do not like failing; it makes me seem incompetent.

So when I give up, it is not without some measure of discomfort, not unaccompanied by a equal (if not greater) degree of disappointment in myself. I've said it before, FAIL is my four-letter F word; it disturbs me greatly. I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else. Whether it is my fault or otherwise, it's still the same... I find myself thinking that there must have been something I could have said or done to prevent the failure...

Yet I also know that when I concede defeat, I realize afresh that I cannot control everything, and that not everything hinges on what I can do or otherwise.

Sometimes the failure could also be for the better... Maybe I've taken on too much and didn't know when to say no. Maybe what was asked of me was way beyond my capability, what I could give, what I was willing to give.

Maybe failure is God's way of gently reminding me, "Look to Me, child, did you lean on Me? Will you?"

Anointed

... Among the things we brought back from Hillsong Conference 2007 were the new songs penned by their team. Today we shared with cdpc 3 of them.

And I realised afresh, that those songs are really God-anointed, God-inspired; for they allowed God's people to worship Him in a fresh new way.

Everytime I hear or sing "Hosanna", I feel a deep sense of longing from deep within; an ache I can't explain; is it a yearning to truly praise God for all He is? And the bridge brings one to really cry out before the Lord...

"Heal my heart and make it clean,

Open up my eyes to the things unseen,

Show me how to love like You have loved me...

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,

Everything I am for the Kingdom's cause,

As I walk from here into eternity...."

... This is my desire: that the things I do in His name and for His glory - be it in writing songs, in singing, or playing music - will be approved, anointed by Him, and serve His purpose: to point His people in the direction of the one and only living God.

What are you going to do about it?

I was posed this question today.

I don't want to do. I just want to BE.

I want to be quiet and not talk to anyone, to hear my own voice, have my own opinions, be true to me and not be a mere mouthpiece. It is a luxury for me to sit down, stare into space and think wherever my thoughts lead me; to dream. I miss that. Everything now demands my all, my full attention, my subsequent action and reaction.

I want to be happy, and do the things I want to do, not only the things I'm told or called to do.

I want to be free, from the obligations imposed on me, from the watching, prying eyes of judgmental, critical people, from the constant pressure of performing to meet and exceed the expectations of those around me. Within the inner turmoil, I long for peace.

I'm tired. Tired of constantly doing, relentlessly pursuing, keeping it going.

Leave me alone. Let me rest.

Let me be.

So, besides the big W....

I'm known for my workaholic tendencies. I derive much pleasure from getting work done, and indeed, I like what I do for living... perhaps too much! (*hehe*) ... Yeah, most people think I'm crazy - but I'm not too perturbed.

What sometimes gets me slightly riled up is when people think I don't have a life. NOT TRUE.

I have other non-work related interests; most of all in music - watching a live jazz performance, or listening to it in my car or at home... serving in the worship team... Great fun, that. And oh, may I just add here that my preferences are not limited to jazz... I listen to EVERY GENRE, except reggae and "AhBeng" techno. And yes, that means you can include dance music in list of stuff Jules likes... (didn't know that leh... there you go, a streak of the party person you never knew existed...)

Then there are movies! Gee, I think I haven't missed a good movie for quite some time now!

... Other interests? Developing and deepening bonds of friendship with those who walk this journey of life with me. In the past 3 months, I'd pretty much neglected this aspect, yet some of you came to me in my time of need and supported me unwaveringly. From the bottom of my heart, thank you... and I really want to make a conscious effort to make time for you... every one of you... *group hug!!* ... Perhaps over a live jazz performance? Aiya, good ol' mamak will do. Anywhere's cosy with great company.

What I wanna do more of? Read. Fiction. Non-fiction. Write. Freely. Because I can.
Think about my life. My goals. The action plans.

Speaking of which, I think it's detrimental for one to not dream. That's why i know I must find time for myself... spent in quiet, spent thinking about my future, what I want to accomplish, and how I'm going to... Sigh. Hope I make time for me.

I survived

Just that. I survived. The 3 months of intense stress, incessant calls, frantic chasing, sleepless nights, fatigued body, weary soul........ I survived.

More later. For now, I'm going home.