Letting Go

Of the many tears shed in 2008, a lot of them were bitter. No, not the taste (!), ...the emotion. I had thought it was just deep sadness. Then someone insisted it was me being bitter. I denied and refuted and denied again... and then, after much thought, found that my friend was right.

It's funny how one can say "it's all okay" when one carries the pain and anger with us, compulsively analysing it over and over again to see what went wrong, what we could've done/not done to turn the situation around; in that process we sometimes blame others for our predicament, blame God even.

It's funny how one bad event triggers a whole slew of past unfavourable memories that may or may not be related. All the same, it feels downright depressing, like nothing's ever going right.

It's funny how sometimes it feels good to wallow, to feel the trail of tears on your cheek - just because you can; because it reminds you that you are a human being capable of feeling and expressing emotions.

But it can't be healthy, can it? It's not the way God intended it to be, is it?

I heard You speak so loudly, God, at TeenStreet. How You were grieved when I harboured ill-feelings against others, when I spoke against You, when I rejected Your promises without realizing it. You reminded me that You alone are GOD, that You alone know the deepest desires of my heart, that You alone love me as no one else has - and can. I'm sorry for forgetting, for rejecting. In Your grace and mercy, please rein me back into Your arms.

As I look back in retrospect, I know God has been there. Through my darkest moments of turmoil, as I struggled with issues of self-worth and forgiveness, He never let go of me.

I'm letting go of the bitterness, leaving it behind as I begin my journey afresh in 2009. Goodbye.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The little things in the Circle of Trust

Okay... Sam and Eugene have written about the message of TeenStreet 2008 so I'm not going to repeat it... What I will share however are those little things; the poignant moments that are captured in my mind's eye...

KJ dropping his drumstick when we were ending the "goreng" part in our first mini-session - he flipped the left drumstick to his right hand and ended it in style!

Andy and Jamie wanting to hear more of each other's guitars on their monitors. (Awww such brotherly love!)

Andy and Jamie practising their "duet interludes" - and pulling them off perfectly every time.

Eugene introducing "For such a time as this". Melanie commending the song. Teens singing it with all their hearts by the last day.

Jamie leaning on his monitor while playing the repetitive 3-note intro for "Mighty to Save".

"Sing times three"

Andy lifting his hands in worship for "Hosanna".

The Wombat making its presence felt.

Adam ever-ready with a word of affirmation and a smile.

Tze Yang giving us that gorgeous crisp sounds on his acoustic guitar.

Andy, Jamie and Jules jumping with the vocalists and teens for the fast songs.

D-Way playing the appropriate percussions at just the right moments.

Ian pushing up the volumes at the chorus of "It is well" - amplifying Jamie's grunge sounds and ably accompanied by KJ's steady drumbeats.

Phylli doing a perfect rendition of"Hosanna".

Sam making me tear for "To the ends of the earth". (Keyboardist thinking that the keyboard is too short for the emo intro.)

Yong Yong leading the teens in declaring that they want to love Jesus forever. ("Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya... Ya Abba Bapa, ini aku anakMu...")

The guitarists advancing to the frontstage for our last song. The keyboardist abandoning her instrument to be in the same line and jump around!! *wink*

Ian being the best and most PICKY soundman ever. THAT'S why he's so good.

Ian playing gorgeous backbeats, U2 and other cool stuff during intermission.

Pari telling Ian that the language in the song was Tamil - and she loved it. ;p

Yong Yi showing a range of emotions - from jumping around, to being on his knees.

Phylli and Sam jumping onstage - and offstage during the last Throne Room.

The entire band jumping for the camera. (Yes, Ian jumped too.)

Daniel the Food Guy taking our orders - and there'd always be something short but we're a community of grace so we forgive.

Nightly discussions and advice over supper.

Phylli making the act of wiping her nose into a dance move.

Jamie and his diamonte "J" bling that Sam repaired before we left for Mantin (the same which Andy suggested auctioning off to raise funds for Myanmar).

Eugene supporting the human pyramid at the back staircase - and everyone dispersing just before Yong Yi jumped on us.

The band livening up the chat with Juwita - and providing the backbeats for KJ and Yong Yi to sing their names.

Yong Yi, Ian and Jules sneaking out to the nearby undisclosed location for a meal and great discussion; and then sneaking in an illegal meal to share with other band members.

KJ teaching Eugene how to play the swing beat on the drums. Gene played it well a few days later.

Jules driving Tze Yang's MyVi back to Subang on Friday night. Yong Yi and Jules feeling relief wash over our shoulders as we walked on the grass towards our cars.

Gene picking the orange folder from the first instance. (well duh)

Sam's CK =p

The friends we made in the band, in the service team, among the teens. The encouragement shared =)

Most of all, I will never forget the sight of teenagers jumping for joy at God's goodness; lifting their hands in praise to His name; closing their eyes and opening their hearts to the Mighty One who Saves. That alone made our 3-month practice sessions worth it. To have the teens come up to us, talk to us, and get to know us allowed us opportunities to tell them that God deserves all the glory, and that we are doing our best for Him.

Thank YOU God for allowing us this wonderful opportunity to bless the teens through the gifts YOU bestowed on us. Thank YOU God for every member in our Circle of Trust - each YOU have called by name. Thank YOU God for the love and grace we show each other; through YOU. Thank YOU God for the moving the midst of the TeenStreet participants, and for the joy and assurance we all find in YOU. Keep us by Your side, Lord...

Thank YOU for all that YOU are, and for loving us so so much that words just aren't enough to express it all. Thank YOU, God. Thank YOU.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Open Letter (Part II)

Hey.

I know that life's circumstances don't favour us sometimes. We may have so much, yet so little; deep down we still ache for the very thing that will make our happiness complete... it's either not there, or just out of reach.

In my 20-odd years, I have found that we may not get all our desires - and answers - on this side of heaven. We cannot control things, can never force our way through. I know it hurts. I know it hurts.

So what then? Do we sit and mope? Ache and be angry? Throw in the towel and give up? Believe me, I'm at that last stage now. It's not nice to be here.

We learn to leave every dream to Him. Every desire. Even the unspoken ones - those seen in our eyes, hanging in our tongues, surging through our veins. And each day, we seek to edify others by our lives. We seek to make them smile, in return for the smiles they imprint in our hearts.

If you have the opportunity to create memories, then create them... more and more of them so that there will be ample chance to savour each one. These may be the things that keep it alive, long after...

Hey. I understand more than you think I do. Ditto. *small smile*

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* The Open Letter series are just... that. Sometimes I am unable to tell it to their faces, for fear of offending them. At other times, I'm just not able to get the message through. My aim is for the intended recipient to know what's in my heart, without being overly 'blah' about it.

Part 1 was written for another recipient some years back, but in a fit of rage, I had it deleted. I have never forgotten its contents, but in some strange way, I feel that it did not warrant a rewrite.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------