A "2-in-1" day

That date used to hold so much significance for me. I've recalled the occasion everyday for 9 years, always sending a greeting via sms, or making that once-a-year phonecall. There's always that same cheery camaraderie that welcomes me on the other end; a hearty "how have you been", "are you still working too hard" and "have you found him yet" type of questions. I'd prefer to believe that he is just being polite, more than being concerned about me, and it suits me fine. I'd rather have that than hold a 'never be able to talk to you' stance, and it's nice to be able to pick up the friendship where you left off. I fault him not at all. It was mutual. And we were young, too young. But oh, the benchmarks...

On that same date, from this year onwards, and from miles and miles across the ocean, there will be another occasion to celebrate. This would mark the point of no return, and I'm genuinely happy at the way things have worked themselves out. I could not ask for more, and I pray for them to be the support for each other as God intended them to be. I'll be able to tell them that in person about a month from now. I'm honoured to be a part of their celebration, despite the short stint we shared.

This means that that date will hold double significance for me. Well, not so much for me, because it is of no personal consequence... but some things will stick to my mind as a stubborn reminder of the things I've gone through in my life, the beautiful people I've met, and how grateful I am to have had the pleasure of their company in different phases of my journey. I've been blessed by their love and friendship, and though they may not know it, they have influenced my life in more ways than they thought they did.

It's all good. I'm happy. =)

One day, two events, one name. Life is just so weird that way.

i can't

Can't take the pressure
Can't take the unfair accusations
Can't take this portion of life handed to me
Not happy with so many things
Not fulfilled with that I have
Not satisfied in most things I do

When will this end
Will it be too late
The ultimate end will be a welcome change

I'd rather that there be peace
That there would be true joy
Not outer enthusiasm that rises and fades

Can't take this
Can't take this
Take me now.

I remember it like it was yesterday...

Letting go of someone I love dearly has never been easy for me. Even if it was for the briefest time, the memory lingers on. I just realized that one of my most precious crystal-clear memories actually took place 2 years ago. Till now I recall every word - written and spoken, every trip we made, the big milestones we achieved, and the little details in every exciting encounter.

We're no longer together, but we remain friends. I have set him free to find himself and to love another, and I'm glad for him that he has found her.

Why then, do I still recall this friendship, short though it may have been? Why, even though wrought with its own bumps, do I add this journey to the list of "things I'll never regret for the rest of my life"?

Perhaps it was because he treated me with respect. His acceptance of who I was, and support for who I wanted to be, truly liberated me. The same was true vice versa.

We could be ourselves with each other: utterly nutty, extremely wacky, going very very loony. And when no other eyes were watching, we gradually opened up our hearts, shared our lives, bore each other's struggles, respected each other's vulnerability, upheld the privacy... knowing that each trusted the other fully. I was beside him when he encountered personal crisis. And a year later, he stood with me when I encountered it too.

Then again it could be because we entrusted God with our relationship from the very beginning. We knew it was a hazy future, and we couldn't quite make out what we wanted. So we prayed that no matter what happened, we would let Him direct our paths, and asked that we would make each moment count. That prayer is answered today.

With each fond memory, I thank the Lord for the chance to make a difference in his life, and for him to make a difference in mine. *smiles warmly*

Thank you, you.

Apa daya...

Apa dayaku jika ada antara mereka yang sememangnya tidak mahu berubah... Apa dayaku jika mereka tetap menyampahkan nama aku...

Apa dayaku jika mereka tidak mengenali bahawa apa yang aku lakukan adalah untuk kebaikan mereka semata-mata...

Kekadang perbuatanku supaya mereka berfikir lebih matang lagi,
Lebih meluas lagi, lebih mendalam lagi.

Begitu terkilan rasanya di hati
Apabila niat yang murni
Dipersalahkan
Tidak terhirau
Disalahsangkakan sama sekali.

Sanggupkah aku teruskan perjalananku?
Mampukah jiwaku terus menerima hakitat
Bagaikan pukulan bertalu-talu?

Demi namaMu akan ku memikul beban ini
Demi namaMu akan ku cuba menyayangi, mencintai
Demi namaMu yang Maha Esa sahaja, Ya Tuhan.

Eavesdropping and shocking revelations

A: ... Die, she's lookin' at my work.
B: Hahah... have fun! I'll help you here to answer her impromptu questions.
A: Argh, that irritating woman. Hey C, where do you wanna have lunch?
C: Dunno lah. Eh, the tigress can let you go or not?

Reading all this, my heart sank. You see, these were online chats between my colleagues. And the "irritating woman" and "tigress" they talked about were references to me.

Kill me for eavesdropping into their conversations. No, it's not a habit. Still, I never know why I follow my curious intuitions sometimes - I end up with new information that I don't know how to manage.

I'll be lying if I say I'm not a wee bit upset. It takes a heart of steel to ignore this. Mine is no heart of steel; past situations have more-than-adequately testified to that.

Work, to me, is all about giving your best. I am upfront about my expectations from the juniors, and I'm rather vocal when they perform below the line. It's nothing personal, just work-related. I've lost count of the number of times I've asked them to read (to improve their English), check the online dictionary for spelling, read (for more ideas to introduce in their writing), check for reliable sources, read (for greater exposure to differing styles and formats).

I've invested a lot of time just editing their work in the 9-to-6 timeframe (OT is a big no-no), so much so that my own work gets pushed back, and I stay up till early morning to complete it. Plus, my policy is to be in the office early (better still if it's before the boss) so that I settle down faster to start the day. 5-, 6-hour rests are all I get on a normal weekday.

I've swallowed my frustrations on countless ocassions, as I try very hard not to lash out at them. I have a very real fear that all my inward-focused anger will cause an internal implosion (as opposed to an outward verbal explosion). Still, I have to do my job as the senior. I must be loving: patient, kind.

My expectations of them are nothing less than the expectations I have of myself. I demand flawless English (being the daughter of an English teacher), appropriate presentation style suited for the ocassion, new ideas, and on-time delivery - just to meet and exceed clients' demands.

For all that and more, I deserve more credit than being the irritating woman and tigress.

I'll be lying if I say I'm not a wee bit upset. It takes a heart of steel to ignore this. Mine is no heart of steel; this situation more-than-adequately testifies to that.