"It's gonna be an interesting year.."

So said a fellow cell group member recently. I concur.

Happenings in the past 16 days:

Entering the new year with a deep sense of melancholy.

Getting back to work with gusto. Making pacts with the boss to leave the office by certain time everyday to preserve our sanity and ensure we rest enough.

Feeling trampled on by client. Thought I was sensitive, but boss felt the same way so it only means that the client is super rude.

Getting headaches and dizzy spells more frequently at work.

Battling thoughts of emigration in response to the goings-on (read: nonsense) in this country. Struggling to hold on to that beacon of hope that things can change.

Feeling listless.

Being quoted in the mainstream papers. (Uber cool)

Witnessing the excitement of parents-to-be as they anxiously await the birth of their first child.

Spending time with grandma and sensing her increasing frailty.

Trying to stay awake at a friend's wedding, giving up and going to the foyer with its bright sunlight and the cheery sight of kids playing.

Being there for a close friend who is confirmed to have Stage 3 Hodgkins' lymphoma and will undergo 16 doses of chemotherapy for the next 8 months. Knowing that this would be for the long haul, and that we still love her dearly.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ain't gonna be an easy year. Pretty tough 2 weeks. But we just need to take it, one step at a time. Lord, please be with me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drifting back to normalcy...

After many moons of being absolutely inundated with work, it's nice to be less harried, less sought after by clients.

I sit in almost stunned silence at the sheer relief.

Have not been able to think of anything beyond December 3rd.

Now that it's here, I feel kinda at a loss what to do with myself.

I actually have FREE TIME to gather my thoughts, put my life back together.

Wow. This is luxury. Thank You Lord, for seeing us through.

Apart from work, a few other things happened. Lost a childhood friend due to a fatal snatch theft over his laptop (over his LAPTOP!!). Recently mourned the passing of a physically-challenged church member - and yet I can't help feeling that she's doin' way better in heaven, with her body made whole.

These deaths have jolted my perspectives somewhat. In the midst of my frustrations at work, I've sometimes exclaimed in exasperation - "Why do I even bother? At the end of the day, will these people come to my funeral?" (Not that I want them to - but you know how rhetoric questions are.)

Really, when the end really comes, all of us just want to have done something significant in our lives, and/or made an impact in the lives of people around us; not wasted our time. We would have wanted to seen much more of the world, written that extra song, told the people we loved that we cherished their presence in our lives.

We would've wanted to tell our parents that we're sorry for every harsh word said, apologized to our siblings for petty fights, sat down with our grandparents more often so that they'd pass on life's valuable nuggets of wisdom and experience down to us.

Maybe I would not have done things differently at work, but at least would've tried to manage the balance a bit better, and not lost my cool with unreasonably-demanding clients.

*Sigh* My thoughts are all over the place.

Time to retreat, to recuperate, to rest. Will be back when I'm normal again. ("Normal".)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know you need a break when...

... you say "Chaiwan and Taina" when you really mean "Taiwan and China."

... you ask your Singapore colleague how come you don't see his luggage bag the day AFTER he arrives to KL.

... you want to fling your mobile everytime it rings bearing *another* incessant call from the client.

... you thought you saw a strand of white hair on the top of your head....

Oh boy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chance

If I don't fight for my happiness, no one will.

If I don't yearn for my own betterment, no one will.

If I never take pride in my possessions, no one will.

If I don't learn to take care of myself, no one will.

If I don't keep my head up amidst the throng, no one will.

If I don't stick to my guns, my principles, no one will.

If I never give myself the chance -

To give it the first try
To make my own mistakes
To lose it all
To bleed
To bind my wounds
To express what I feel to be right and true
To test the sincerity of my being
To examine the rationale of my thoughts
To explore every thought that racks my brain
To scrutinize all that I do and want to believe
To listen to my own voice
To find the meaning behind the beating of my heart -

No one will.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All my days

"You have ordained all my days, Lord. You know each moment before it comes to pass."

It was simple faith that I needed in the past few weeks. His promise that I relied on to get me through when I had done all that I could do. We survived, but not without a few bruises, not without a large dose of hurt, not without a real need to learn how to "love my enemies" on my part. By His grace alone we survived.

But it's not only in the daily grind, Lord, is it, where Your words ring true? Your promise is for all our days.

It takes much for a go-getter to sit back and let Him take control.
It takes a conscious will to stop being stubborn, and instead be still.

Then the other extreme sometimes convinces you that no one cares after all.
Striking in the deepest darkness; often no more than a small thought.
That gradually builds up to form a seemingly-unshakeable belief.

Leaning too much on either scale is destructive.

I can't find the middle ground sometimes.

But on days like this, when I realize that I'm nothing more than a speck of dust, yet lovingly created, cared for and rescued by my Heavenly Father, it slowly dawns on me that I need not worry about how my life turns out; but can trust Him with all my heart.

For all my worries - Will I get me own place soon? Replace my old possessions? Will I end up needy eventually? Reduced to the typical stereotype? Will I ever learn to be more emotionally-balanced? Plain dull? Will I be happy? Fulfilled? - this is my answer:

"You have ordained all my days, Lord. You know each moment before it comes to pass. Help me be still, and know You are God."

Amen.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------