What are you going to do about it?

I was posed this question today.

I don't want to do. I just want to BE.

I want to be quiet and not talk to anyone, to hear my own voice, have my own opinions, be true to me and not be a mere mouthpiece. It is a luxury for me to sit down, stare into space and think wherever my thoughts lead me; to dream. I miss that. Everything now demands my all, my full attention, my subsequent action and reaction.

I want to be happy, and do the things I want to do, not only the things I'm told or called to do.

I want to be free, from the obligations imposed on me, from the watching, prying eyes of judgmental, critical people, from the constant pressure of performing to meet and exceed the expectations of those around me. Within the inner turmoil, I long for peace.

I'm tired. Tired of constantly doing, relentlessly pursuing, keeping it going.

Leave me alone. Let me rest.

Let me be.

So, besides the big W....

I'm known for my workaholic tendencies. I derive much pleasure from getting work done, and indeed, I like what I do for living... perhaps too much! (*hehe*) ... Yeah, most people think I'm crazy - but I'm not too perturbed.

What sometimes gets me slightly riled up is when people think I don't have a life. NOT TRUE.

I have other non-work related interests; most of all in music - watching a live jazz performance, or listening to it in my car or at home... serving in the worship team... Great fun, that. And oh, may I just add here that my preferences are not limited to jazz... I listen to EVERY GENRE, except reggae and "AhBeng" techno. And yes, that means you can include dance music in list of stuff Jules likes... (didn't know that leh... there you go, a streak of the party person you never knew existed...)

Then there are movies! Gee, I think I haven't missed a good movie for quite some time now!

... Other interests? Developing and deepening bonds of friendship with those who walk this journey of life with me. In the past 3 months, I'd pretty much neglected this aspect, yet some of you came to me in my time of need and supported me unwaveringly. From the bottom of my heart, thank you... and I really want to make a conscious effort to make time for you... every one of you... *group hug!!* ... Perhaps over a live jazz performance? Aiya, good ol' mamak will do. Anywhere's cosy with great company.

What I wanna do more of? Read. Fiction. Non-fiction. Write. Freely. Because I can.
Think about my life. My goals. The action plans.

Speaking of which, I think it's detrimental for one to not dream. That's why i know I must find time for myself... spent in quiet, spent thinking about my future, what I want to accomplish, and how I'm going to... Sigh. Hope I make time for me.

I survived

Just that. I survived. The 3 months of intense stress, incessant calls, frantic chasing, sleepless nights, fatigued body, weary soul........ I survived.

More later. For now, I'm going home.