Warzone

"Sorry," he said.

Maybe I was shocked that he actually apologized, till I was stunned into silence.

The past 3 days post-CNY have not been easy. There are various phases:

• Disappointment that the so-called 'teammates' left, barely 2 weeks after our first company trip that was meant to foster closer bonds;
• Being annoyed by clients who demanded absolute timeliness (think deadlines brought FORWARD) but later chose to sit on it for one week with absolutely NO PROGRESS;
• Finding myself drowning at the avalanche of things to do... seeing blurry lines between 'urgent', 'important' and 'just kill me now'.
• Safely enlisting one client on the Main Market; then preparing to launch another IPO campaign that afternoon. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place.
• Choosing to stay calm while watching his mounting panic at the list of deliverables. It's a warzone out there. (In your panic, don't kill your soldiers.)

Then there are good days. Like having a quick-thinking and self-motivated freshie on board and showing her the ropes. Always reminds me how far I've come.

On the 14th just past, I marked my 5th year working here. Gosh. 5 years of receiving patience, and guidance, testing the limits of my physical and mental capacities, taking on new and/or more things that I thought possible. Measuring some degree of my growth by the prominence with clients, media and investors. This is an experience I won't wanna miss out on.

Guess I won't mind being here for the long term. Let's see how this pans out =) If I can survive this...

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"It's gonna be an interesting year.."

So said a fellow cell group member recently. I concur.

Happenings in the past 16 days:

Entering the new year with a deep sense of melancholy.

Getting back to work with gusto. Making pacts with the boss to leave the office by certain time everyday to preserve our sanity and ensure we rest enough.

Feeling trampled on by client. Thought I was sensitive, but boss felt the same way so it only means that the client is super rude.

Getting headaches and dizzy spells more frequently at work.

Battling thoughts of emigration in response to the goings-on (read: nonsense) in this country. Struggling to hold on to that beacon of hope that things can change.

Feeling listless.

Being quoted in the mainstream papers. (Uber cool)

Witnessing the excitement of parents-to-be as they anxiously await the birth of their first child.

Spending time with grandma and sensing her increasing frailty.

Trying to stay awake at a friend's wedding, giving up and going to the foyer with its bright sunlight and the cheery sight of kids playing.

Being there for a close friend who is confirmed to have Stage 3 Hodgkins' lymphoma and will undergo 16 doses of chemotherapy for the next 8 months. Knowing that this would be for the long haul, and that we still love her dearly.

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Ain't gonna be an easy year. Pretty tough 2 weeks. But we just need to take it, one step at a time. Lord, please be with me.

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Drifting back to normalcy...

After many moons of being absolutely inundated with work, it's nice to be less harried, less sought after by clients.

I sit in almost stunned silence at the sheer relief.

Have not been able to think of anything beyond December 3rd.

Now that it's here, I feel kinda at a loss what to do with myself.

I actually have FREE TIME to gather my thoughts, put my life back together.

Wow. This is luxury. Thank You Lord, for seeing us through.

Apart from work, a few other things happened. Lost a childhood friend due to a fatal snatch theft over his laptop (over his LAPTOP!!). Recently mourned the passing of a physically-challenged church member - and yet I can't help feeling that she's doin' way better in heaven, with her body made whole.

These deaths have jolted my perspectives somewhat. In the midst of my frustrations at work, I've sometimes exclaimed in exasperation - "Why do I even bother? At the end of the day, will these people come to my funeral?" (Not that I want them to - but you know how rhetoric questions are.)

Really, when the end really comes, all of us just want to have done something significant in our lives, and/or made an impact in the lives of people around us; not wasted our time. We would have wanted to seen much more of the world, written that extra song, told the people we loved that we cherished their presence in our lives.

We would've wanted to tell our parents that we're sorry for every harsh word said, apologized to our siblings for petty fights, sat down with our grandparents more often so that they'd pass on life's valuable nuggets of wisdom and experience down to us.

Maybe I would not have done things differently at work, but at least would've tried to manage the balance a bit better, and not lost my cool with unreasonably-demanding clients.

*Sigh* My thoughts are all over the place.

Time to retreat, to recuperate, to rest. Will be back when I'm normal again. ("Normal".)

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You know you need a break when...

... you say "Chaiwan and Taina" when you really mean "Taiwan and China."

... you ask your Singapore colleague how come you don't see his luggage bag the day AFTER he arrives to KL.

... you want to fling your mobile everytime it rings bearing *another* incessant call from the client.

... you thought you saw a strand of white hair on the top of your head....

Oh boy.

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Chance

If I don't fight for my happiness, no one will.

If I don't yearn for my own betterment, no one will.

If I never take pride in my possessions, no one will.

If I don't learn to take care of myself, no one will.

If I don't keep my head up amidst the throng, no one will.

If I don't stick to my guns, my principles, no one will.

If I never give myself the chance -

To give it the first try
To make my own mistakes
To lose it all
To bleed
To bind my wounds
To express what I feel to be right and true
To test the sincerity of my being
To examine the rationale of my thoughts
To explore every thought that racks my brain
To scrutinize all that I do and want to believe
To listen to my own voice
To find the meaning behind the beating of my heart -

No one will.

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