I just want to ensure that the people I do cherish it. I just want to make it - my life, my love - count.
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Wednesday, January 28, 2009
For the record
I never want to live a life not loving anyone.
I just want to ensure that the people I do cherish it. I just want to make it - my life, my love - count.
I just want to ensure that the people I do cherish it. I just want to make it - my life, my love - count.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
CNY and Childhood Memories
A conversation with a friend triggered some childhood memories of family reunions...
The JB-based See cousins were closest to us growing up - we were of similar ages and enjoyed the same things: playing the piano, reading, singing. There were 3 of them and 2 of us, and whenever the families went out to dinner, we always asked to sit together (we were so small then) - if we were in their car, their mum would put on the Sunday School songs in the yellow cassette tape and we'd squeal in delight doing the actions!! We'd try out singing in harmony too - that's what probably got us the nickname the Von Trapp cousins...
At one time we all dragged our mattresses and slept in the hallway and we chatted till the early hours... I had no idea what we talked about, though - were there that many interesting topics in those days?
Anyway, we always had so much fun together, and the day that they were leaving for home always came too soon. They'd usually head home in the early evening, and we'll be playing till the very last minute. There was always a going-home ritual for them:
Our mothers would walk out the door after countless reminders not to leave anything, and when that was done, they'd launch into a rendition of, "Esso baik (6x), chia eng Esso piao! Bye-bye, mai kong liao!" This was the jingle for the Esso television commercial in THEIR childhood, which can be loosely translated into "Esso is good fuel, cars should use Esso brand". The "bye-bye" part was their own addition to rhyme and signal the end of the farewell. But inevitably they'd start again, "Esso baik, Esso baik..."
Then the 3 See children would heap into the car, and my sister and I would be waving and yelling at them to be in touch, write soon, study hard, and be good. And as their dad drove away (rather slowly, I suspect, for our benefit), the 3 kids would climb onto the back seat and wave frantically while we did the same, inching closer and closer to the middle of the road. You could see our mouths going "Bye-bye, bye bye!" Sometimes the older one would wind down the window and stick her hand out and wave manically, and we responded with even faster waves, jumping up and down on the road. That was always the last move - and as the car turned the corner, they were gone.
We heard the silence that followed very keenly; the silence that meant that they were on their way home and all was back to normal. It was hard not to be sad, especially when we had created memories that would be tucked into our hearts and minds in the years to come.
Every once in a while, they'd discover that they forgot something, and would turn back. Oh how our faces lit up at the quick reunion! Then the chant would start again... "Esso baik, Esso baik..."
* Disclaimer: No, I wasn't paid to pull a free plug for Esso, but hey, that jingle forms a part of my childhood memories. No offense meant to Shell fans and employees!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The JB-based See cousins were closest to us growing up - we were of similar ages and enjoyed the same things: playing the piano, reading, singing. There were 3 of them and 2 of us, and whenever the families went out to dinner, we always asked to sit together (we were so small then) - if we were in their car, their mum would put on the Sunday School songs in the yellow cassette tape and we'd squeal in delight doing the actions!! We'd try out singing in harmony too - that's what probably got us the nickname the Von Trapp cousins...
At one time we all dragged our mattresses and slept in the hallway and we chatted till the early hours... I had no idea what we talked about, though - were there that many interesting topics in those days?
Anyway, we always had so much fun together, and the day that they were leaving for home always came too soon. They'd usually head home in the early evening, and we'll be playing till the very last minute. There was always a going-home ritual for them:
Our mothers would walk out the door after countless reminders not to leave anything, and when that was done, they'd launch into a rendition of, "Esso baik (6x), chia eng Esso piao! Bye-bye, mai kong liao!" This was the jingle for the Esso television commercial in THEIR childhood, which can be loosely translated into "Esso is good fuel, cars should use Esso brand". The "bye-bye" part was their own addition to rhyme and signal the end of the farewell. But inevitably they'd start again, "Esso baik, Esso baik..."
Then the 3 See children would heap into the car, and my sister and I would be waving and yelling at them to be in touch, write soon, study hard, and be good. And as their dad drove away (rather slowly, I suspect, for our benefit), the 3 kids would climb onto the back seat and wave frantically while we did the same, inching closer and closer to the middle of the road. You could see our mouths going "Bye-bye, bye bye!" Sometimes the older one would wind down the window and stick her hand out and wave manically, and we responded with even faster waves, jumping up and down on the road. That was always the last move - and as the car turned the corner, they were gone.
We heard the silence that followed very keenly; the silence that meant that they were on their way home and all was back to normal. It was hard not to be sad, especially when we had created memories that would be tucked into our hearts and minds in the years to come.
Every once in a while, they'd discover that they forgot something, and would turn back. Oh how our faces lit up at the quick reunion! Then the chant would start again... "Esso baik, Esso baik..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Disclaimer: No, I wasn't paid to pull a free plug for Esso, but hey, that jingle forms a part of my childhood memories. No offense meant to Shell fans and employees!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Open Letter (Part III)
Attn: Ex-Junior.
We brought you in because you were recommended to us by a friend. Your background seemed so “cham” (sorry) because your father had passed away and you had to get a job quite quickly after completing your tertiary education to help support your mother. Plus you were an intern with a reputable newspaper so writing was not a problem with you.
You seemed like an all-rounder: being active in outdoor sports, and extra-curricular activities, including organizing college events and such. It didn’t hurt that you knew how to present yourself well. You seemed like a good fit. I still recall that my boss was PERPETUALLY smiling throughout the interview. “Wow,” I thought, “this candidate really impressed him. She MUST be quite good.”
So you came in. I was pleased to have an able person to help.
You said you were keen to learn, and so we allocated jobs accordingly: let you meet the clients from the first day, brought you up to scale on the various materials we had to prepare, and taught you the delicate nuances in managing and advising clients. We even let you take charge of a new client – while always being by your side in your on-the-job training. We knew that you were lacking in some hard skills (as I was when I came in), so we encouraged you to read some of the books that would help you progress.
Then it seemed like your keenness disappeared, your energy dissipated. I don’t know when it started. Suddenly we realized that you were more lacklustre, nonchalant, not bothered. And whenever we walked past your computer screen we’d see you chatting on your IM and logged on to your facebook. I mean, if you had nothing to deliver – fine, goof around. But if we were expecting some things, it was rather surprising, to say the least.
Where did we go wrong? Did we exclude you? Did we leave you in the lurch? Did we expect too much of you? Were we too detailed and critical in reviewing work? (We can’t help that, you have seen how fussy some clients can be! And we position ourselves as market leader so all of us HAVE to deliver!)
You are part of this team, and you have a part to play in determining the atmosphere in this place. If this is a horrible place to work in, ASK YOURSELF WHY.
Your acute and consistent rudeness whenever we spoke to you because such a bane to us; so much so that we felt so mean for correcting you, but couldn’t live it down if we didn’t correct you. Much worse were those times you just 'zoned out' whenever we tried to involve you in discussions; your demeanour said that all this was worthless, meaningless, boring. We saw you trying to stifle yawns at client meetings.
On the contrary, we noticed that your eyes would light up whenever someone mentioned a new place to eat, or a new movie, or some weekend activity. Nothing wrong with that. I just wish you could demonstrate some degree of enthusiasm where work was concerned.
Is it not exciting that you have direct access to the CEOs, MDs and top management of public-listed companies to give counsel on their business strategies? Don’t you find it thrilling that the work you do literally places words in the mouths of decision-makers and has the power to shape public perceptions? Haven’t you found out that it is quite satisfying to have your client and boss commend you for jobs well done?
Look, I don’t expect you to be a workaholic like me. But at least we expect you to take pride in your work and pursue excellence so that the company is synonymous with positive reputation. And your efforts will pay off, believe you me. Things DO look different when you strive to do your best.
We don’t expect you to be perfect and know everything. No one is. But in the event that you don’t know, you have to ASK. As much as we have tried to help you along, in many cases you refused to help yourself by choosing to keep quiet whenever you didn’t understand, or be defensive when we asked you the rationale of certain things. We were here to help as friends. You treated us like the enemy. It was very hard-going for us.
I hope you realize that you are at the losing end. You will never improve if you don’t take on jobs that are too big for you and fit yourself to them. You are only 21, for goodness sake, it’s the best time for you to learn and make mistakes. But no. you wanted to show everyone you knew everything. Your own self-pride let you down.
Personally, I’m not angry that you chose to quit. I am more DISAPPOINTED that a person who had so much potential decided that it was enough just to “get by” with shoddy work and still expect to earn top dollar. Haven’t you figured out by now that even a homemaker works hard at her vocation?
I am so disappointed in you that I really am not sorry to see you leave. I just wish you knew where you’d gone wrong and be a better person.
SIGH.
We brought you in because you were recommended to us by a friend. Your background seemed so “cham” (sorry) because your father had passed away and you had to get a job quite quickly after completing your tertiary education to help support your mother. Plus you were an intern with a reputable newspaper so writing was not a problem with you.
You seemed like an all-rounder: being active in outdoor sports, and extra-curricular activities, including organizing college events and such. It didn’t hurt that you knew how to present yourself well. You seemed like a good fit. I still recall that my boss was PERPETUALLY smiling throughout the interview. “Wow,” I thought, “this candidate really impressed him. She MUST be quite good.”
So you came in. I was pleased to have an able person to help.
You said you were keen to learn, and so we allocated jobs accordingly: let you meet the clients from the first day, brought you up to scale on the various materials we had to prepare, and taught you the delicate nuances in managing and advising clients. We even let you take charge of a new client – while always being by your side in your on-the-job training. We knew that you were lacking in some hard skills (as I was when I came in), so we encouraged you to read some of the books that would help you progress.
Then it seemed like your keenness disappeared, your energy dissipated. I don’t know when it started. Suddenly we realized that you were more lacklustre, nonchalant, not bothered. And whenever we walked past your computer screen we’d see you chatting on your IM and logged on to your facebook. I mean, if you had nothing to deliver – fine, goof around. But if we were expecting some things, it was rather surprising, to say the least.
Where did we go wrong? Did we exclude you? Did we leave you in the lurch? Did we expect too much of you? Were we too detailed and critical in reviewing work? (We can’t help that, you have seen how fussy some clients can be! And we position ourselves as market leader so all of us HAVE to deliver!)
You are part of this team, and you have a part to play in determining the atmosphere in this place. If this is a horrible place to work in, ASK YOURSELF WHY.
Your acute and consistent rudeness whenever we spoke to you because such a bane to us; so much so that we felt so mean for correcting you, but couldn’t live it down if we didn’t correct you. Much worse were those times you just 'zoned out' whenever we tried to involve you in discussions; your demeanour said that all this was worthless, meaningless, boring. We saw you trying to stifle yawns at client meetings.
On the contrary, we noticed that your eyes would light up whenever someone mentioned a new place to eat, or a new movie, or some weekend activity. Nothing wrong with that. I just wish you could demonstrate some degree of enthusiasm where work was concerned.
Is it not exciting that you have direct access to the CEOs, MDs and top management of public-listed companies to give counsel on their business strategies? Don’t you find it thrilling that the work you do literally places words in the mouths of decision-makers and has the power to shape public perceptions? Haven’t you found out that it is quite satisfying to have your client and boss commend you for jobs well done?
Look, I don’t expect you to be a workaholic like me. But at least we expect you to take pride in your work and pursue excellence so that the company is synonymous with positive reputation. And your efforts will pay off, believe you me. Things DO look different when you strive to do your best.
We don’t expect you to be perfect and know everything. No one is. But in the event that you don’t know, you have to ASK. As much as we have tried to help you along, in many cases you refused to help yourself by choosing to keep quiet whenever you didn’t understand, or be defensive when we asked you the rationale of certain things. We were here to help as friends. You treated us like the enemy. It was very hard-going for us.
I hope you realize that you are at the losing end. You will never improve if you don’t take on jobs that are too big for you and fit yourself to them. You are only 21, for goodness sake, it’s the best time for you to learn and make mistakes. But no. you wanted to show everyone you knew everything. Your own self-pride let you down.
Personally, I’m not angry that you chose to quit. I am more DISAPPOINTED that a person who had so much potential decided that it was enough just to “get by” with shoddy work and still expect to earn top dollar. Haven’t you figured out by now that even a homemaker works hard at her vocation?
I am so disappointed in you that I really am not sorry to see you leave. I just wish you knew where you’d gone wrong and be a better person.
SIGH.
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Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Letting Go
Of the many tears shed in 2008, a lot of them were bitter. No, not the taste (!), ...the emotion. I had thought it was just deep sadness. Then someone insisted it was me being bitter. I denied and refuted and denied again... and then, after much thought, found that my friend was right.
It's funny how one can say "it's all okay" when one carries the pain and anger with us, compulsively analysing it over and over again to see what went wrong, what we could've done/not done to turn the situation around; in that process we sometimes blame others for our predicament, blame God even.
It's funny how one bad event triggers a whole slew of past unfavourable memories that may or may not be related. All the same, it feels downright depressing, like nothing's ever going right.
It's funny how sometimes it feels good to wallow, to feel the trail of tears on your cheek - just because you can; because it reminds you that you are a human being capable of feeling and expressing emotions.
But it can't be healthy, can it? It's not the way God intended it to be, is it?
I heard You speak so loudly, God, at TeenStreet. How You were grieved when I harboured ill-feelings against others, when I spoke against You, when I rejected Your promises without realizing it. You reminded me that You alone are GOD, that You alone know the deepest desires of my heart, that You alone love me as no one else has - and can. I'm sorry for forgetting, for rejecting. In Your grace and mercy, please rein me back into Your arms.
As I look back in retrospect, I know God has been there. Through my darkest moments of turmoil, as I struggled with issues of self-worth and forgiveness, He never let go of me.
I'm letting go of the bitterness, leaving it behind as I begin my journey afresh in 2009. Goodbye.
It's funny how one can say "it's all okay" when one carries the pain and anger with us, compulsively analysing it over and over again to see what went wrong, what we could've done/not done to turn the situation around; in that process we sometimes blame others for our predicament, blame God even.
It's funny how one bad event triggers a whole slew of past unfavourable memories that may or may not be related. All the same, it feels downright depressing, like nothing's ever going right.
It's funny how sometimes it feels good to wallow, to feel the trail of tears on your cheek - just because you can; because it reminds you that you are a human being capable of feeling and expressing emotions.
But it can't be healthy, can it? It's not the way God intended it to be, is it?
I heard You speak so loudly, God, at TeenStreet. How You were grieved when I harboured ill-feelings against others, when I spoke against You, when I rejected Your promises without realizing it. You reminded me that You alone are GOD, that You alone know the deepest desires of my heart, that You alone love me as no one else has - and can. I'm sorry for forgetting, for rejecting. In Your grace and mercy, please rein me back into Your arms.
As I look back in retrospect, I know God has been there. Through my darkest moments of turmoil, as I struggled with issues of self-worth and forgiveness, He never let go of me.
I'm letting go of the bitterness, leaving it behind as I begin my journey afresh in 2009. Goodbye.
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Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The little things in the Circle of Trust
Okay... Sam and Eugene have written about the message of TeenStreet 2008 so I'm not going to repeat it... What I will share however are those little things; the poignant moments that are captured in my mind's eye...
KJ dropping his drumstick when we were ending the "goreng" part in our first mini-session - he flipped the left drumstick to his right hand and ended it in style!
Andy and Jamie wanting to hear more of each other's guitars on their monitors. (Awww such brotherly love!)
Andy and Jamie practising their "duet interludes" - and pulling them off perfectly every time.
Eugene introducing "For such a time as this". Melanie commending the song. Teens singing it with all their hearts by the last day.
Jamie leaning on his monitor while playing the repetitive 3-note intro for "Mighty to Save".
"Sing times three"
Andy lifting his hands in worship for "Hosanna".
The Wombat making its presence felt.
Adam ever-ready with a word of affirmation and a smile.
Tze Yang giving us that gorgeous crisp sounds on his acoustic guitar.
Andy, Jamie and Jules jumping with the vocalists and teens for the fast songs.
D-Way playing the appropriate percussions at just the right moments.
Ian pushing up the volumes at the chorus of "It is well" - amplifying Jamie's grunge sounds and ably accompanied by KJ's steady drumbeats.
Phylli doing a perfect rendition of"Hosanna".
Sam making me tear for "To the ends of the earth". (Keyboardist thinking that the keyboard is too short for the emo intro.)
Yong Yong leading the teens in declaring that they want to love Jesus forever. ("Ku mahu cinta Yesus selamanya... Ya Abba Bapa, ini aku anakMu...")
The guitarists advancing to the frontstage for our last song. The keyboardist abandoning her instrument to be in the same line and jump around!! *wink*
Ian being the best and most PICKY soundman ever. THAT'S why he's so good.
Ian playing gorgeous backbeats, U2 and other cool stuff during intermission.
Pari telling Ian that the language in the song was Tamil - and she loved it. ;p
Yong Yi showing a range of emotions - from jumping around, to being on his knees.
Phylli and Sam jumping onstage - and offstage during the last Throne Room.
The entire band jumping for the camera. (Yes, Ian jumped too.)
Daniel the Food Guy taking our orders - and there'd always be something short but we're a community of grace so we forgive.
Nightly discussions and advice over supper.
Phylli making the act of wiping her nose into a dance move.
Jamie and his diamonte "J" bling that Sam repaired before we left for Mantin (the same which Andy suggested auctioning off to raise funds for Myanmar).
Eugene supporting the human pyramid at the back staircase - and everyone dispersing just before Yong Yi jumped on us.
The band livening up the chat with Juwita - and providing the backbeats for KJ and Yong Yi to sing their names.
Yong Yi, Ian and Jules sneaking out to the nearby undisclosed location for a meal and great discussion; and then sneaking in an illegal meal to share with other band members.
KJ teaching Eugene how to play the swing beat on the drums. Gene played it well a few days later.
Jules driving Tze Yang's MyVi back to Subang on Friday night. Yong Yi and Jules feeling relief wash over our shoulders as we walked on the grass towards our cars.
Gene picking the orange folder from the first instance. (well duh)
Sam's CK =p
The friends we made in the band, in the service team, among the teens. The encouragement shared =)
Most of all, I will never forget the sight of teenagers jumping for joy at God's goodness; lifting their hands in praise to His name; closing their eyes and opening their hearts to the Mighty One who Saves. That alone made our 3-month practice sessions worth it. To have the teens come up to us, talk to us, and get to know us allowed us opportunities to tell them that God deserves all the glory, and that we are doing our best for Him.
Thank YOU God for allowing us this wonderful opportunity to bless the teens through the gifts YOU bestowed on us. Thank YOU God for every member in our Circle of Trust - each YOU have called by name. Thank YOU God for the love and grace we show each other; through YOU. Thank YOU God for the moving the midst of the TeenStreet participants, and for the joy and assurance we all find in YOU. Keep us by Your side, Lord...
Thank YOU for all that YOU are, and for loving us so so much that words just aren't enough to express it all. Thank YOU, God. Thank YOU.
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