Bulimia makes sense?

Suddenly saw the logic of bulimia.

You want to eat, you won't allow yourself to eat. One day your resolve dies. You eat, you feel guilty about eating, you wish you didn't eat.

So you puke.

That way, you still get to taste the food, but don't have to suffer the calories from it.

It's twisted logic, I know.

Which is why I think that eating disorders are really psychological in nature. It's the voices in your head telling you that eating is bad/sinful because you'll get fat/ugly. It's the voices of the people around you (often the most well-meaning ones) that you shouldn't be eating so much for your own good. Twisted logic then selectively hears and translates 'shouldn't eat so much' to 'shouldn't eat'.

It's scary to understand with clarity, without meaning to. If you are in this situation, my heart goes out to you.

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Against The Wind

Long overdue post, dated 11 October 2010

When the stormy winds threaten to blow me apart

When I have to focus my every fibre

To hang on to my every thread of sanity

I look to the budding sapling, enclosed, fragile, with lots more in store

I gotta stay strong

Here I stand, able to hold my own

Against the wind.

Frustrations & Solitude

My car radiator decided to act up just as I was about to meet 2 friends for a enjoyable catch-up session; resulting in me wasting my time driving back and forth; and my sis not wanting to stay in my place because we needed to cool down.

And I had fought SO hard for a free weekend to get back some semblance of a life.

To say I was frustrated didn't quite cut it; I was literally stewing and if I had some kind of ailment I may have foamed at the mouth. The tears that came were the only things that betrayed me.

Yet when I went back I realized that it was perhaps good to have some time of quietness. So I lunched, read, looked out the window, napped. And when my cousin called for dinner, I was refreshed once again.

Sometimes we fill our lives with so many things that we forget to take time out and refocus.

Going to church today was pretty cool because I managed to greet people at the door (most of the times when we're on duty, I have clashing slots on the worship team). And being with our cellobots - laughing, hugging, sharing - were a soothing balm over my heart. I'm grateful, so grateful, for this journey we share.

Rev Wong preached on the Beautitudes in the book of Ecclesiastes, about how there was a time for everything. Life is like that - you have joy and sorrow complementing each other; love and hate; war and peace.

If you have not tasted bitterness, how then would you appreciate the sweet?

God is all-wise; He knows that we tend to learn the hard way. My weekend was peppered with twin combinations of frustrations and much-needed solitude. Now I am refreshed, ready. And on my knees more than ever when I contemplate the week ahead.

Can't do anything without You, God. You are my strength unlike any other.

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Do We Really Care?

It has been put to me that people in our community don't care anymore. More specifically, it's people in the CHURCH community.

Is this true?

Because if it is, I think the audacity of its occurrence challenges the very grain of what Christ's message - the one who exhorts us to "love your neighbour as yourself" and said that "greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

How can we profess to be willing to lay down our lives when we close our hearts? We don't even raise our hands in greeting!

I argued that it can't be true. That the statement was maybe a portion - a very shameful portion - in the community of Christ-followers.

Or is it?

When was the last time you asked, "How are you?" and stayed to hear the answer, sticking around to allow the other to pour out the grievances of the week?

When loved ones of your friends and acquaintances pass away, do you drop a note to see how you can help? Do you express your condolences? Even on an FB wall?

When you go out a group do you bother waiting for EVERYONE and include ANYONE who might be seeking acceptance? Do you offer little conveniences like sending someone home or running to the grocery store for a bit?

When a mum is exhausted do you offer to watch the kid, even if it's for 10 minutes?

When a kid goes overseas do you offer to pray and keep in touch and make crazy jokes about the things he/she's gonna do there? Do you even say goodbye?

When your leader is tied up by the many things in his sphere... do you offer to do the one task where you can help?

When someone's sick, dying, or dead - do you visit? Send flowers and balloons? Bring food? Cry?

When someone starts a first day at work or school, or is collecting results, do you text an encouragement?

When someone has a celebration - a birthday, a new home, a baby, anything at all - do you participate? Is that not a way of saying, "I care, therefore I want to share your joy?"

When someone has been away for so long, do you indicate that he/she is missed? How? Telepathy?

I, for one, REFUSE to believe that we do not care anymore. I REFUSE to believe that we are people too sucked into our own lives to care for others.

But I'm scared to find out that it is true. It would be truly ironic if we profess to want to do GREATER THINGS in the community OUTSIDE the church if we can't seem to reach out to the people WITHIN.

I will think about this tonight. I hope, I really hope, I can prove the statement wrong.

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It's been several months now...

... Till I forgot my password for this blog.

Oerr. Panic panic.

Taking the well-dispensed advice of my ex-worship team leader, I slept over it.

Tried again next morning.

Tada! Am here.

Lesson learnt: Blog regularly.

Sure thing! Till later.

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Completely

For every moment You have held out Your hand to me, dispensing grace when I most needed it;

For every path I tread when You were before me, leading my every step;

For every time You’ve picked me up, soothed me, dried my tears;

For every truth You’ve engraved onto my heart;

For every rescue mission You’ve gone on when I go astray again and again;

For the words You allow me to pen, and the music You put into them;

For the love and warmth I receive from the people You place in my life;

For the occasions You direct the words, prayers and songs to bless Your community – times when You use a broken vessel to minister;

For bringing me to the heights I’ve flown, the friendships forged…

Father God, may I never forget the times You have always been there. Help me, God, to place my trust – unreservedly, completely – in You.

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Apparently...

Apparently all the Chinese women higher up in the family tree were prostitutes and that’s how we came to proliferate to be a force to be reckoned with in this country.

Apparently we all have narrow slits for eyes, and love being called “si mata sepet”.

Apparently China is where we REALLY belong. Funny, I was there recently, and I didn’t get the same impression.

Apparently if you have the right skin colour and religion – AND I’M NOT APOLOGIZING FOR THIS STATEMENT – it’s perfectly alright for you to show utter disrespect for other religions by stamping on the head of their most sacred animal, cutting their prayer string and calling them dogs. It is also within your basic rights (and perhaps a fervent responsibility) to instigate others to hatred, never mind if they’re mere schoolchildren and you’re the headmistress.

I want to weep, but you’ll think I’m weak.

I want to fight back, but you’ll say I’m violent, just like my forefathers who were most likely descendents of triads.

I want to embrace and love, forgive and find an amicable solution, but these things are beyond my human nature.

Dear God, over to You.

HOME HOME HOME!!!!

And then after a few rounds of early morning come-backs and mind-twisting, physically-demanding emotionally-distressing days at work and play....

It's nice to come home. =)

Write more when I have something worthwhile to speak of.

For now, I wanna sink into my Jodi Picoult and finish it.

Taking my moments

Thank you, Karine and Ps Alvin, for hauling me out to a kopitiam "just to chat" - no fixed agendas, no lengthy arguments, no rush for time (except towards the end, like 3 hours later). I'd forgotten what it's like to have an 'ordinary cuppa coffee', just to enjoy friendship.

Thank you Phylli, Karen, Oli & Joe, for agreeing to a spontaneous outing for a movie that turned into a mind-blowing and very therapeutic session with a classic rock band that fell for Joe's line that we were from Japan.

Thank you Sam, Andy, Jamie, Daniel & Caleb for treating me like the tai kar chieh that I try to be. Clowning around with you fellas gives me a glimmer of hope that my youthfulness hasn't faded after all.

Thank you Sam for hopping into my car and entertaining me while being co-navigator and my seeing eyes to look out for your mum's car! This message will self-destruct...

Thank you Sarah & Charissa for the wonderful opportunity to make breathtakingly beautiful music with the both of you. Sarah your voice has matured so much, and Charissa - please never ever give up the cello. To this day, I get goosebumps thinking of how the rich all-encompassing sounds reverberated through the hall....

Thank you Ian & Darlene, Micah & Blair and Lydia, for making me smile when you did too. =) I am so comfortable with you guys deep in my heart... I can't quite explain.

Thank you koko Eric, for responding to my whim for a dinner & movie, and discovering the magic that is Artista's food coupled with humour of watching minions. It WAS a great way to end the weekend.

Last weekend was definitely the best I've had for the longest time. To take moments to just be, instead of only do; to have the capacity to be spontaneous; to be in the company of people who want to be with you in the name of pure kinship....

Priceless. You have no idea how much I treasure our time. Thank you.

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Before 2010 is out...

I wanna learn up a Chinese love song.

Haha. No, I don't have a Chinese-speaking boyfriend. Just wanna increase my repertoire.

Do our young people have to do that?

Pix like these remind me that I should be grateful I've a job.

Renew

To restore, to make new again, to refresh.

To impart new life and vigor.

To recreate, to rebuild.

The month of May flew past at such a burst of speed that astounded even me. I mean, like, I've practically felt that my body's been playing catch up since 2010 began - I should be used to the 'timing difference' by now, no?

Apparently not. I jotted 'April' at the top of my notes the other day, when 'real time' is 2 months after.

And I find myself making grammatical mistakes in speech and writing - it's somewhat surprising, though at least I take comfort in the fact that I am conscious that a mistake's been made. But still!!

Should you ask, though, if I'm unhappy, I'd probably say no. Keeping pace at work and all of life's "grown-up" issues have just consumed me, that's all. I feel like I'm at "testing" phase, for the a study on "how much she can endure in life."

... Which means that having an hour and a half to read and nap on a Sunday afternoon is such a welcome luxury that I'm so so grateful for. The very thought of downtime is refreshing. Not too long, that I feel bored; just right a time slot to call mine.

I guess God made us such that amidst the frenetic pace, we need to take a step back and take stock, lie down and rejuvenate. It's called balance. It gives us opportunity to thank Him, and savour what He has placed in our lives to enjoy - nature, rest, friendship.

I'm grateful, God. "Thank You" isn't half sufficient to express my gratitude. Your wisdom is matchless, Your grace so abounding.

I'm ready to face that which You have placed for this week. With Your help, and Your mighty right hand, I will rise.

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Love so amazing...

How I have come this far, I have no idea. I only know the bits and pieces...

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"Fly high," urged a friend, many years ago. I told him to keep me grounded. In a way I think I still am, yet I'm moving forward at the same time.

"What's my heartsong, Lord?" I asked, as I drove on the MRR2. Thank God for the distance between SS15 and Pandan Mewah, which allowed ample time for the song to fall onto my lap.

"Can I give you a line?" wrote Phylli in my YM chatbox. "Pegang hatiku di tanganMu." Hold my heart in Your hand.

"Bila..." echoed Patrick, at our voice audition in DUMC. And a year later, "Could I include your song in Elohim?"

"...And by the way, I believe God might give you a special honour to worship sing/lead for Him before many thousands Christians next year..." wrote Pastor Caleb in an email. (insert raised eyebrows)

"Hi, I'm Pastor Alvin from Subang. Next year on May 23rd we'll have the Malaysian chapter of the Global Day of Prayer..." in a phone call received on a weekday.

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Only God sees and understands the depth of my gratitude, that He still chooses to use an imperfect and broken vessel to do His work, to be a blessing, to demonstrate His glory to His people. Only God could see my deepest, darkest secrets, and still consider me worthy to be a recipient of His incomparable grace and matchless love.

Words are beyond me, God. All I can say is thank You, from the bottom of my heart.

Setiap detik, demi namaMu.

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"She Believes In Me"

That's the song that's playing in the background as I type this.

There's just something about this song that has a hold on me.

"She believes in me

I'll never know just what she sees in me

I told her someday if she was my girl

I could change the world with my little song

But I was wrong

But she has faith in me

And so I'll go on trying faithfully

And maybe someday on some special night if my song is right

I can find the way... while she waits."

(She Believes In Me, Kenny Rogers)

... The fairytale of a love so deep, that it is willing to conquer all things, withstand all storms, stand strong through the test of time.

...The realization that there ARE things we can do to inspire another person in ways we could never imagine. To be by their side in encouragement to aim higher, and reach for their dreams. To celebrate ALL achievements big and small but no less significant.

...The dim recollection of what it was like, years ago, to have a sunny disposition and positive outlook, because negativity never helped. Discovering that it has been replaced by a large dose of skepticism...

I know not the exact nature of my innermost thoughts, the exact description of all the swirling stuff going on. All I know is that a part of me has become unbalanced, unhinged, dislodged.

I guess, I'll just take it one step at a time.

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Dear God, I struggle...

... with the daily burdens I bear, knowing that each day arrives with its daily bag of tricks and more to test the limits of my physical and emotional endurance.

... with the fatigue that I experience every night, and every morning.

... with the helplessness inside when I feel like I've no grip on my life.

... with the sadness that envelopes me when I see a dear friend in pain - and I'm powerless to do anything about it.

... with the obligations of work, family and ministry; and finding the time *and strength* to give my best in all three.

... with the mad desire to run away and disappear.

... with the gap in what people say and what I want.

... with the big decisions I face, not knowing whether I'm doing right, and yet realizing that I've gotta take a leap of faith somewhere.

... with my imperfections; the little things that irritate me as much as they irritate those next to me.

... with the urge to run to the nearest piano and express through the music what these words can't.

... worrying about what people will think of me if I were to run to the nearest piano and express through the music what these words can't.

... with the balance of letting You take care of it and not caring for it at all.

In all my doubts

In all my struggles

You are above all these.

In every tear

In every cry

You are attentive to all these.

In moments of silence

In moments of grief

You understand all these.

Above all else - my Father,

My Saviour, My Friend,

You are to me all these.

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Warzone

"Sorry," he said.

Maybe I was shocked that he actually apologized, till I was stunned into silence.

The past 3 days post-CNY have not been easy. There are various phases:

• Disappointment that the so-called 'teammates' left, barely 2 weeks after our first company trip that was meant to foster closer bonds;
• Being annoyed by clients who demanded absolute timeliness (think deadlines brought FORWARD) but later chose to sit on it for one week with absolutely NO PROGRESS;
• Finding myself drowning at the avalanche of things to do... seeing blurry lines between 'urgent', 'important' and 'just kill me now'.
• Safely enlisting one client on the Main Market; then preparing to launch another IPO campaign that afternoon. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place.
• Choosing to stay calm while watching his mounting panic at the list of deliverables. It's a warzone out there. (In your panic, don't kill your soldiers.)

Then there are good days. Like having a quick-thinking and self-motivated freshie on board and showing her the ropes. Always reminds me how far I've come.

On the 14th just past, I marked my 5th year working here. Gosh. 5 years of receiving patience, and guidance, testing the limits of my physical and mental capacities, taking on new and/or more things that I thought possible. Measuring some degree of my growth by the prominence with clients, media and investors. This is an experience I won't wanna miss out on.

Guess I won't mind being here for the long term. Let's see how this pans out =) If I can survive this...

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"It's gonna be an interesting year.."

So said a fellow cell group member recently. I concur.

Happenings in the past 16 days:

Entering the new year with a deep sense of melancholy.

Getting back to work with gusto. Making pacts with the boss to leave the office by certain time everyday to preserve our sanity and ensure we rest enough.

Feeling trampled on by client. Thought I was sensitive, but boss felt the same way so it only means that the client is super rude.

Getting headaches and dizzy spells more frequently at work.

Battling thoughts of emigration in response to the goings-on (read: nonsense) in this country. Struggling to hold on to that beacon of hope that things can change.

Feeling listless.

Being quoted in the mainstream papers. (Uber cool)

Witnessing the excitement of parents-to-be as they anxiously await the birth of their first child.

Spending time with grandma and sensing her increasing frailty.

Trying to stay awake at a friend's wedding, giving up and going to the foyer with its bright sunlight and the cheery sight of kids playing.

Being there for a close friend who is confirmed to have Stage 3 Hodgkins' lymphoma and will undergo 16 doses of chemotherapy for the next 8 months. Knowing that this would be for the long haul, and that we still love her dearly.

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Ain't gonna be an easy year. Pretty tough 2 weeks. But we just need to take it, one step at a time. Lord, please be with me.

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Drifting back to normalcy...

After many moons of being absolutely inundated with work, it's nice to be less harried, less sought after by clients.

I sit in almost stunned silence at the sheer relief.

Have not been able to think of anything beyond December 3rd.

Now that it's here, I feel kinda at a loss what to do with myself.

I actually have FREE TIME to gather my thoughts, put my life back together.

Wow. This is luxury. Thank You Lord, for seeing us through.

Apart from work, a few other things happened. Lost a childhood friend due to a fatal snatch theft over his laptop (over his LAPTOP!!). Recently mourned the passing of a physically-challenged church member - and yet I can't help feeling that she's doin' way better in heaven, with her body made whole.

These deaths have jolted my perspectives somewhat. In the midst of my frustrations at work, I've sometimes exclaimed in exasperation - "Why do I even bother? At the end of the day, will these people come to my funeral?" (Not that I want them to - but you know how rhetoric questions are.)

Really, when the end really comes, all of us just want to have done something significant in our lives, and/or made an impact in the lives of people around us; not wasted our time. We would have wanted to seen much more of the world, written that extra song, told the people we loved that we cherished their presence in our lives.

We would've wanted to tell our parents that we're sorry for every harsh word said, apologized to our siblings for petty fights, sat down with our grandparents more often so that they'd pass on life's valuable nuggets of wisdom and experience down to us.

Maybe I would not have done things differently at work, but at least would've tried to manage the balance a bit better, and not lost my cool with unreasonably-demanding clients.

*Sigh* My thoughts are all over the place.

Time to retreat, to recuperate, to rest. Will be back when I'm normal again. ("Normal".)

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You know you need a break when...

... you say "Chaiwan and Taina" when you really mean "Taiwan and China."

... you ask your Singapore colleague how come you don't see his luggage bag the day AFTER he arrives to KL.

... you want to fling your mobile everytime it rings bearing *another* incessant call from the client.

... you thought you saw a strand of white hair on the top of your head....

Oh boy.

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Chance

If I don't fight for my happiness, no one will.

If I don't yearn for my own betterment, no one will.

If I never take pride in my possessions, no one will.

If I don't learn to take care of myself, no one will.

If I don't keep my head up amidst the throng, no one will.

If I don't stick to my guns, my principles, no one will.

If I never give myself the chance -

To give it the first try
To make my own mistakes
To lose it all
To bleed
To bind my wounds
To express what I feel to be right and true
To test the sincerity of my being
To examine the rationale of my thoughts
To explore every thought that racks my brain
To scrutinize all that I do and want to believe
To listen to my own voice
To find the meaning behind the beating of my heart -

No one will.

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